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FOREST ACRES 



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I 



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V 



Forest Acres 

A Comedy in Three Acts 



By 

FANNIE BARNETT LINSKY 
Author of ''Patsy;' etc. 

NOTE 

The professional stage rights in this play are strictly reserved 
and application for the right to produce it should be made to the 
author in care of the publishers. Amateurs may produce it with- 
out payment of royalty on condition that the name of the author 
appears on all programmes and advertising issued in connection 
with such performances. 




BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER COMPANY 

I 92 I 






Forest Acres 



1 



Summer boarders 

at the 

Crockett farm. 



CHARACTERS 

Lemuel Crockett, a itiiserly farmer. 
Mrs. Crockett, hh lufe. 
Elizabeth Crockett t ... ,. 
Hepsibah Crockett f ^" daughters. 
Hiram Crockett, his son. 
Franklyn Arthur, a business jnan ] 
Miss Lucy Ruggles, a school teacher\ 
Evelina Newcomb, a bashful maid \ 
Andy Hobbs. a country boy. 
Jeffrey Brixley, a New Yorker. 
Elise Brixley, his wife. 
Constance Loring, their nie'ce, 
Nora, the maid. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act L— Dining-room of the Crockett farm. Summer. '• The 
Mail Goes." 

Act n. — Library of the Brixley town house. Two days later. 

Act III.— Same as Act L The next day. "The Female 
Comes." 

Time.— The present. 




Copyright, 192 i, by Fannie Barnett Linsky 
As author and proprietor 

All stage and moving picture rights reserved. 

©CI.D 58t>lj4 
SEP I5IS2I 



NOTES ON CHARACTERS 

Lemuel Crockett, Mrs. Crockett, Hiram and Andy 
are typical New England farmer folks. Hiram to be a 
bashful, clumsy youth. Andy, if possible, to be a fat, 
good-natured, rather stupid " country Bumpkin." His 
movements and speech to be as grotesque as possible. 

Hepsy Crockett should be a pert, forward " smarty," 
with two " pigtails " hanging down her back. A girl 
about twelve years old. 

Elizabeth Crockett is a young lady about nineteen. 
A more cultured and refined type — a person who has 
made the most of her opportunities. 

Miss Ruggles is a sharp-tongued, sour-visaged spin- 
ster. "A typical school-ma'am," whose " bark, how- 
ever, is much worse than her bite." 

Jeffrey Brixley, Mrs. Brixley, Constance Loring, 
and Mr. Arthur are all typical, high-bred New Yorkers. 
Constance to be a girl of charming personality. If de- 
sired, Hiram may " double " for Brixley's part. 

Evelina is a rather silly young thing. 

Nora is a good-looking, capable Irish housemaid, with 
whom Evelina may " double " if desired. 

SCENERY 

For Acts I and III the room should be furnished as 
would any dining-room in an old-fashioned New England 
farmhouse. Old pictures on wall. Mantel shelf at one 
side containing various bits of old bric-a-brac, ink bottle, 
pen, blotter. Long dining table up r. with chairs scat- 
tered about. Rag rugs on fxoor. Old-fashioned rocker 
at one side. Cheap Victrola in corner. In Act III the 
refurnishing of the room may be as simple or as elabo- 
rate as desired. Besides the things mentioned in the text, 
the author suggests, among other things, a handsome 



4 PROPERTIES 

sewing basket for Mrs. Crockett, a tea wagon, some 
decorative draperies, one or two lamps, and any other 
furnishings to make a room comfortable and attractive. 
For Act II room should be richly furnished as would 
befit the home of a wealthy man. Telephone on small 
table at one side. Papers and books scattered about on 
library table. Lamp on table. 

PROPERTIES 

For Act I. Small tin box, presumably holding papers. 

For Act II, Wheel chair and crutches for Jeffrey 
Brixley. Numerous suit boxes, hat boxes, large bun- 
dles, etc. Brand new steamer trunk. 

For Act III. Same trunk, boxes and bundles as in 
Act II. Suit case containing toilet articles for Miss 
LoRiNG. Suit, several dresses, hats, for Elizabeth. 
Silk dress for Mrs. Crockett. Gingham dress, slippers 
and hair ribbon for Hepsy. Two new rugs and various 
house furnishings as described elsewhere. Ladder, ham- 
mer, nails, some pictures. New graphaphone, with sev- 
eral records, one of which should be " What's the Mat- 
ter With Father— He's All Right." 

COSTUMES 

For Act I. Shabby clothes of the present time, suited 
to a summer in the country. 

For Act II. Modern, up-to-date, stylish clothes, such 
as people of wealth would wear. 

For Act III. Up-to-date, smart-looking clothes for 
Elizabeth, Mrs. Crockett and Hepsy. Constance 
and Mrs. Brixley mav make change of costume or not, 
as desired. Nora in conventional garb of maid. 



Forest Acres 



ACT I 

SCENE. — Dining-room in Lemuel Crockett*s farm- 
house. Table up c, dining-room chairs scattered 
about. Cupboard for dishes at wall back l. Two 
windows right wall flat. Old-fashioned sideboard be- 
tween. Door in rear wall, l., leading outdoors. Rag 
rug on floor. Everything generally shabby in appear- 
ance. Ancient pictures on wall. Cheap tin-panny 
victrola in one corner. Exits up r. and down l. 

(Curtain rises on empty stage. Enter Elizabeth, l., 
colored table-cloth of hideous pattern hanging over 
arm, holding great pile of dishes, table silver, etc. 
Comes to c, depositing dishes on chair with a loud 
noise. Acts as though very angry. Shakes out 
table-cloth with unnecessary force. Proceeds to set 
table, making great noise. Voice of Mrs. Crockett 
heard loudly calling off stage.) 

Mrs. Crockett. Lizziebeth, Lizziebeth! 

Elizabeth {moves to door holding some dishes in 
hand). Well, Mother, what is It now? 

Mrs. C. Come out here and help me with these 
clothes. 

Eliz. All right. I'll be right there. 

{Comes back to table with dishes. Exits through door, 
returning immediately with Mrs. C, the two carry- 
ing between them a clothes-basket with " wash,") 

5 



6 FOREST ACRES 

Mrs. C Land o' Liberty, but we suttinly did have 
some big wash this week. {They put down basket. 
Elizabeth returns to former task.) Thank goodness 
it was such a good drying day. I kin fold most o* them 
things right down now and get 'em ready fer sprinkHn'. 
(Sinks into rocker and fans self with hat.) Oh dear! 
Guess I ain't as young as I used to be. I declare wash 
day clean tuckers me all out. 

Eliz. (angry). Well, you oughtn't to have to do it at 
all. It just makes my blood boil. 

Mrs. C. There, there, honey, now don't get yerself all 
het up over the same old thing again. I know yer 
father's a hard man, and sot in his way. I ain't lived 
with him nearly thirty years without findin' that out ; but 
he hez got his good points; only he's like a chestnut 
burr, the outside's so sharp that very few hez courage to 
find out whether the inside's good or not. 

Eliz. Well, if he's got his good points, he's taken 
mighty good care to hide 'em from his family. Look 
at you — just clean worked out and dead beat — what with 
lookin' after this tumble-down shanty, and taking in sum- 
mer boarders, and washing and everything! 

Mrs C. Yes, I know, Lizzie, but I'm used ter work- 
ing, you know. I guess I wasn't cut out fer a lady. 

Eliz. (angry). No such thing! I guess you could 
be a lady all right if you only had half a chance. (Fin- 
ishes at table. Goes to basket and helps mother fold 
clothes.) If you only didn't have a husband that was 
(Holds up sheet and shakes it.) stingy (Shakes.), and 
mean (Shakes. ) , and stubborn and hard-fisted 

Mrs. C. Now, Lizzie, I can't let you talk about your 
pa. I know yer peeved and disappointed 'bout the new 
dress, but mebbe 

Eliz. Disappointed? I should think I ought to be. 
Look at me. I'm sick and tired trying to turn my old 
clothes inside out so's to make 'em over. And look at 
you. You ain't — I mean, haven't had a new dress since 
Mrs. Noah came out of the ark. And look at this place ! 
Would any one ever believe that it belonged to the richest 



FOREST ACRES 7 

farmer in Gresham County ? Everything tumbling down 
about our ears just because he's too much of a crumb to 
spend a nickel on the place. 

Mrs. C. Yes, I know, but you mustn't fergit, Lizzie, 
that it costs a pile o' money to keep 

Eliz. Yes, I know all about that. A pile of money, 
nothing! The only thing that ever costs a pile of money 
round here are farm implements, tools, mowing-machines, 
threshers, milkers, anything to improve the farm. Sure 
they cost a pile of money. They're the only thing the 
money ever gets spent on. Nothing else is of any im- 
portance. Doesn't matter if the rug has a hole a yard 
square, or if the table stands on one leg, or if you break 
your back over the wash tubs. There's never enough 
money to fix up anything for us. It all has to be used 
to improve the farm. I'm just getting sick and tired of 
it all. 

Mrs. C. There, there, honey, now don't get yourself 
all riled up. I know jest how ye feel. I don't reely 
care about clothes and sech things. I guess I've kind of 
fergot how to wear anything but a kitchen dress; but 
I'd suttinly like ter see you have some purty things sence 
your heart is so set on 'em, but you know (With a sigh.) 
how hard it is to git yer father to see things anybody 
else's way. But there now (Brightening), don't you 
give up hope. Maybe I kin figure out how to save some 
off'n the tgg money so's you kin have a brand-y, spand-y 
new dress. We'll see. 

Eliz. (gives mother hug). You darling old mummy! 
You'll do nothing of the sort. I'm sorry I complained. 
I know you've got a lot more to put up with than I have, 
and I ought not to say a word. But he makes me so 
mad, the old skinflint. He's closer than the bark on the 

tree, even if he is my father, and I'm (Interrupted 

by shrieks of laughter.) Good Lord, what's that? 

Mrs. C. Sounds like Hepsy. What devilment is she 
up to now ? 

(Starts to rise. Enter Andy on all fours, Hepsibah 
on his back holding clothes-line for horse reins.) 



8 FOREST ACRES 

Hepsibah. Gid-up there {Slapping him.), gid up 

Andy {shaking himself free, gets up and mops his 
brow). No, I guess there's no more " git " in this hoss. 
That's all fer now, Hepsy. How-do, Miss Crockett. 
H'Uo, Liz — er — er, Lizziebeth. 

Mrs. C. Good-day, Andy. (Elizabeth 7tods a greet- 
ing.) Whatever are you doing with that young un? 

(Hepsibah meantime trying to untie clothes-line which 
is twisted round Andy.) 

Andy. The mail's in, Miss Crockett. I jest seen that 
stage go by as I wuz comin' up here. Be you expectin* 
any mail ? 

Mrs. C. Well, now there might be. Father's cata- 
logues fer the farm ought ter be comin' along soon. 

Andy. Wouldn't you like fer me ter git 'em fer ye? 

Mrs. C. Why, yes, Andy, if ye're going down that 
way and it ain't puttin' ye out too much. 

(Hepsibah at last frees Andy from rope.) 

Hepsy. Puttin' him out — ha — sure, Ma, he Just hangs 
round all day waitin' ter git a chance ter do some'n fer 
Liz. 

Hepsy. Well, I ought ter know. Didn't he pay me 
ten cents ter let him be my horse so he could have an 
excuse ter come up here! (Mrs. Crockett makes mo- 
tion as if to slap Hepsibah. Latter runs out with rope, 
calling hack at door.) He's stuck on Liz — ^ha-ha, ha-ha. 

[Exit Hepsibah. 

Mrs. C. {putting folded clothes in basket). I'll just 
take these things out o' here. It must be gittin' near sup- 
per time. Lizziebeth, you kin walk down fer the mail if 
ye want to 'stead o' Andy. 

Eliz. All right, Ma. [Exit Mrs. Crockett. 

Andy. Say, Liz— I mean lAzzi&htih— I— {Bashfully. ) 



FOREST ACRES 9 

I really cum over to ask you a question. Would ye — 
will ye — er — would ye — go to the church social with 
me — Thursday ? 

Eliz. Why — oh, thank you, Andy, it's nice of you 
to ask me. 

Andy. Oh, no, it ain't — not a bit. Ye see, I reely 
want ye to go. I'll buy you lots of refreshments, and 
I'll bring ye a big bunch of posies frum my back yard. 
Gee ! you'll be the purtiest gal there. 

Eliz. I'm afraid not, Andy — because, you see, I won't 
be there. Mr. Arthur, Ma's city boarder, asked me ter 
go with him, but I can't — 'cause — well, you see, I haven't 
anything to wear. (Bitterly.) I might as well tell the 
truth. 

Andy. Gee, that swell ! Did ye reely turn him down, 
Liz? Well, then I s'pose I ortn't ter feel so bad, but I 
was sure you'd go along with me. Ye know, Liz — I 
mean Lizziebeth — ye know I — I — ye know — well 

(Enter Hepsibah, pell-mell. Sunhonnet hanging, hair 
flying, followed by Mr. Arthur, holding flowers.) 

Hepsy. Whoop-ee, here's the mail. I been down and 
back while you two been gabbin' here. I brought my 
** gentlemen friend " back with me. 

Eliz. Hepsy, how can you talk so? 

Mr. Arthur. Oh, don't scold her, Miss Beth. Hepsy 
and I are real friends. (Pats child's head.) She's my 
little guide round here, and she shows me where all the 
prettiest flowers grow. Here's a little bunch of posies 
I brought back for you. 

Eliz. Oh, thank you. I'll put them on the tabic. 
They're very pretty. (Arranges flowers on the table.) 

Andy (standing awkwardly, shuffling feet}. Well — 
er — I got to get hum. 

Mr. a. Don't let me drive you off, Andy. 

Andy (hastily). Oh, no, I got ter be goin', I really 
got ter. Bye, Lizziebeth, bye, everybody. 

Eliz. Good-bye. [Exit Andy. 

Mr. a. (sorting mail). Well, most of this seems to 



lO FOREST ACRES 

be for your father. Three catalogues, one newspaper, 
one letter. No, hello, here's one for you. 

{Holds out magazine.) 

Eliz. (snatches it hastily). Oh, yes, I clean forgot. 
I didn't think. Excuse me. 

{Rushes from room in haste.) 

Mr. a. (surprised; to Hepsibah). Well, well. I 
hope I didn't say anything to make your sister angry. 
Do you know what the matter is, Hepsy ? 

Hepsy. Oh, sure, I always know everything that's 
going on round here, though Liz don't think so. Sure, 
I'll tell you. You see. Dad's so plumb close-fisted that 
he won't give Ma ner Liz no money fer nothin'. Ma 
saved some cash out of her tgg money and gave it ter 
Liz ter send fer a fashion book, and Liz tried ter git Pa 
ter give her some extry money fer some cloth fer a new 
dress, but he wouldn't. I could of told her so before 
she asked, 'cause it's hayin' time, and he's always crosser 
than a crabbed stick in hayin' time. She an' Ma's afraid 
ter let Pa know that they get the fashion book, 'cause he'd 
holler loud enough ter raise the roof. But Liz 

Mr. a. Yes, but Hepsy, you must not tell me all these 
things. These are family affairs and should not be talked 
about in public. 

Hepsy. O Lord, they ain't no secret! (Pulls an 
apple from sunbonnet and proceeds to eat.) Here, want 
a bite? (Mr. Arthur shakes head.) Everybody round 
here calls Dad the stingiest man in town. But do you 
know (Seats self on stool at his feet.) 'tain't that he's 
really stingy; it's just this farm. He's just crazy 'bout 
this place — his hobby, he calls it. Wants to have the 
most up-to-date farm in the county. He'll spend heaps 
of money on tools and machinery and things for the farm, 
but when it comes to furniture and clothes and things fer 
just livin' — well — he calls all that foolishness. 

Mr. a. But your sister does a lot of work here on 
the farm, doesn't she? 



FOREST ACRES II 

Hepsy. Yep. Sure she does. But it ain't because 
she Hkes it. She hates it, and she ain't goin' to do it 
much longer, Fll tell yer — just till her bargain is up. 

Mr. a. Her bargain? Why, what do you mean? 

Hepsy. Oh, I mean the bargain that Liz made with 
Pa. Yer see, it's funny. Some ways Pa's real fond o' 
Liz — proud of her, I should say. He let her go through 
the High School, and he wouldn't let Hiram. Made him 
quit in the seventh, 'cause he said farm help wuz so 
scarce he'd hev to git ter work. But Hiram didn't care, 
he's jest cut out ter be a farmer, and that's what he 
wants ter do. He hated school anyway, so 'twasn't no 
hardship ter him ter git clear of it. But Liz — well, she's 
different — she's got high and mighty notions about gittin' 
an eddication, and bein' inderpendent, and she kicked up 
sich a rumpus and Ma sided in with her, that fer once 
Pa hed ter giv' in. But he made Liz promise that if he 
let her go through, fer a year anyway after she finished 
she'd stay home here and help with the work, so she's 
doin' it, but 'tain't coz she likes it. 

Mr. a. Oh, I see. And how about you? Do you 
like it? 

Hepsy. Me? Oh, sure, I like it all right. I have 
bushels of fun. Course, I hev ter work too, once in a 
while — when I can't git out of it — but mostly I hev a 
good time. I pick berries, and I sell 'em and I save the 
money. 

Mr. a. Well, I never knew you were such a good 
business woman 

Hepsy. And say, Mr. Arthur, want me ter show yer 
something I found one day when I was out berrying? 

Mr. a. Why, of course. I'm interested in every- 
thing that you do. 

(Hepsibah goes to cupboard, brings out small tin box,) 

Hepsy. Here, look. I found this box down in the 
south pasture last year when I was berrying. (Business 
of opening box, looking inside, taking out contents.) 



12 FOREST ACRES 

There's some papers inside with all kinds of funny marks 
and figures. 

{Enter Mrs. Crockett, l. Seats herself, shells peas.) 

Mrs. C. Oh, now, Hepsy, are you fillin' Mr. Arthur 
full o' stories about that box again? I don't believe it 
amounts to anything. 

Hepsy. Well, Liz says that she thinks it's important, 
and that some day somebody'll come looking fer it. 

Mr. a. Well, it looks to me like plans or figures such 
as surveyors would make. I don't imagine that it can 
be very valuable or you would have heard from it long 
ago, but it won't do any harm to keep it, Hepsy. You 
never can tell — you know the old saying — keep a thing 
for a hundred years and it will be sure to come in handy. 

Mrs. C. Well, if it ever turned out ter be valuable, 
I'm sure I don't know who would own it — coz Hepsy 
found it, but it was on Lizziebeth's land. 

Mr. a. Miss Beth's land? Why, what do you mean? 

Hepsy. Why, didn't I never tell you that neither? 
Guess I'd better be takin' something fer my memory, 
sure. This farm don't all belong ter Pa; though you'd 
never know it, ter hear him sputter. 

Mrs. C. Now, Hepsibah, don't be unrespectful. 

Hepsy. Well, I'm tellin' the truth, ain't I, Ma? Yer 
can't be unrespectful when yer tellin' the truth. 

Mrs. C. Oh, yes, it's the truth all right. Yer see, 
Mr. Arthur, this farm used ter belong ter Lem's father, 
and Granddad always were a great hand fer bringin' up 
children ter be thrifty, so when he died he left the big- 
gest part of the farm to Lem, but he left a little parcel of 
land to each of the children. The South Pasture he give 
ter Lizzie — oh (Apologetically.), I mean Lizziebeth, — 
yer see, sence Liz's been ter the High School, she don't 
want ter be called Lizzie no more — and he left the East 
Meadow ter Hiram, and Hepsy here got the old pertater 
field down back of the barn. 

Hepsy. Yep, and when I'm of age I kin hev all that 



FOREST ACRES I3 

land to do as I dam please, and Dad can't say a word 
about it. 

Mrs. C. Hepsy! 

Hepsy. Well, it's so, ain't it? Didn't Granddad's 
will say that when we was twenty-one. Dad was ter give 
it over to us ab-so-lute-ly. 

Mrs. C. Yes, you're right, dear, but you mustn't be 
saucy. 

(Hepsy makes face. Puis box back in cupboard.) 

Hepsy. I wasn't bein' saucy. Ma, was I, Mr. Arthur? 
(Latter shakes head.) I was only tellin' Mr. Arthur 
how I hev bushels of fun with the summer boarders. 

Mr. a. Like me, I suppose. 

Hepsy. You? Oh, no, you're a regular feller. I 
mean boarders like Miss Ruggles and Evelina. Say, ain't 
Miss Ruggles a sketl:h? I'd hate ter have been in her 
room in school, wouldn't you ? 

Mrs. C. I've got ter git out in the kitchen if you folks 
is to have any supper at all. Now, Hepsy, don't you 
bother Mr. Arthur with no more of your foolish talk. 

Hepsy. All right, Ma. (Exit Mrs. Crockett, l.) 
But say, Mr. Arthur (Loud whisper.), want I should tell 
you something? 

Mr. a. (loud whisper). Sure. 

Hepsy. Her hair — Miss Ruggles' — don't grow on 
same's mine. She jest pins it on. I seen her. 

Mr. a. Oh, but come, come, Hepsy, you mustn't tell 
me things like that. That's prying into Miss Ruggles' 
private affairs. 

Hepsy. Well, my sakes, Land o' Goshen, she's got 
her nose inter everybody else's private affairs. 'Twas 
her put me and Liz wise that Evelina was shining up ter 
Hiram. Ha! Ha! Evelina come down here fer two 
weeks fer her health, and she's been here six, and I don't 
see her movin' yet. 

Mr. a. Well, Evelina's a nice little girl and I should 
think 

(Enter Elizabeth, carrying various articles for table. 
Business of putting them in place.) 



14 FOREST ACRES 

Hepsy. Well, I guess I'll be gittin* the dinner gong. 
Must be pretty near time to ring it. [Exit, r. 

Eliz. Don't you want to sort the mail, Mr. Arthur? 
Most of the magazines are farming catalogues for Father. 
(He sorts them.) You might put them by his place. 
The newspaper is for Miss Ruggles. She has it sent 
out from the city every day. Put it over the back of 
her chair. 

{He obeys, and quickly places his hand over hers.) 

Mr. a. Did I say something to displease you, Miss 
Beth? If I did I'm sorry. 

Eliz. Oh, no, it wasn't anything that you did. It 
was just my own foolishness — you see, you see, that 
magazine 

Mr. a. I know — Hepsy told me. I wish I could do 
something to help you. 

Eliz. Well, you can't. Nobody can. I know I ought 
not to complain so about Father, but I do believe that 
it's just that he doesn't realize. It's mowers and milkers 
and tractors that fill his mind so full that he just hasn't 
got room for anything else. I actually have gotten so 
that I hate the sound of the old things. Why, Mr. 
Arthur, the money that he sends to the Brixley Shovel 
and Plow Works in one year would refurnish this whole 
place and give Mother and me a brand new outfit and a 
trip to Europe. 

Mr. a. Is that really so ? 

Eliz. It positively is. He buys all his farm imple- 
ments from them, and you know those things are ex- 
pensive. They are forever sending him these catalogues, 
and every once in a while one of their agents comes down 
here to demonstrate some new thing. I'm ashamed to 
even ask them in here, this place is such a sight, but Pa 
don't seem to mind, he just buys anything they show him 
to improve the old farm. But never mind the old house, 
or the old woman, or {Aside.) the young one either, for 
that matter. There, now you know how horrid I am, but 
I can't help it. 



FOREST ACRES I 5 

Mr. a. Well, really, I don't know as I can blame you, 
little girl, and you know I don't think you are horrid at 
all. 

Eliz. Well, I am, and I know it. I just seem to get 
all ** het up," as Mother says, whenever I talk about Pa 
and his farm tools. I just wish I knew that Mr. Brixley 
that is the head of the Brixley Company. I'm forever 
reading in the papers about his wife and daughter, and 
where they go, and the beautiful gowns they always wear. 
I'd like to tell him to stop sending his men down here 
and wheedling Pa into giving them big orders. Maybe 
then Ma and I could get a new dress once in a while. 

Mr. a. {after a pause). Well, upon my soul, I don't 
think that's such a bad idea at all. Why don't you do 
it. Miss Beth ? 

Eliz. Do it? Do what? 

Mr. a. Tell him, Brixley, I mean. Write to him if 
you can't go to see him, and tell him about all the things 
that you've wanted and had to do without on account of 
him. He's not a bad chap, really, if you know him. I 
think h'd see the humor of the situation. 

Eliz. Humor? Well, I fail to see anything very 
funny about it. Besides, I was only fooling. I'd never 
think of doing such a thing. I'm sure now that you're 
making fun of me. {Enter Hepsy, l., ringing dinner 
gong. Goes to door, rings loud, long.) I must go now 
and help Mother with the supper. [Exit, l. 

{Enter from outside, Lemuel Crockett, Hiram. 
From R. Evelina. Hepsibah puts away hell, comes 
to table. They all sit, some facing, others with hack 
to audience. Hepsibah helps self to generous slice 
of bread, butters it, proceeds to eat.) 

Lemuel. Well, well, what are we waitin* for? I 
thought I heerd the dinner bell. 

Hepsy {mouth full). Oh, keep yer shirt on. Pa. 
Ma an* Liz is gettin' it ready as fast as they kin. 
There's yer magazines. They just come. 

Lem. Oh, sure 'nough. I never noticed. 



l6 FOREST ACRES 

(Business of getting out specs, cleaning them on table- 
cloth, opening magazine, sundry exclamations, tip- 
ping back in chair, etc. Meantime Evelina and 
Hiram exchange lover-like glances, hold hands un- 
der table, etc. Hepsibah nudges Mr. Arthur.) 

Hepsy. Guess Miss Lucy Ruggles must be pinnin* on 
her — (Mr. Arthur shakes head at her.) well, anyway, 
something's keepin' her. 

Mr. a. {takes paper from Miss Ruggles' chair). I'll 
just glance through her paper for a moment as long as 
she isn't here. 

(Reads. Enter Miss Ruggles, who glances quickly 
round. ) 

Miss Ruggles. Evening, everybody. 

All. Good-evening. 

Miss R. Humph ! Very interesting company, I must 
say. (Seats self.) Didn't my paper come to-day? 

Mr. a. Oh, pardon me. I was just glancing through 
it. I do enjoy the daily paper. 

Miss R. (sharply). Well, if you like it so well, why 
don't you take it ? 

Mr. a. (smiling). I do — as you see. 

Miss R. Humph ! 

(Enter Mrs. Crockett and Elizabeth with steaming 
dishes of food which they place on table. Mr. Ar- 
thur rises and holds chair for Mrs. Crockett, then 
for Elizabeth. Company proceeds to pass food 
and all eat.) 

Mrs. C. I*m sorry to be so late, but you know this 
was wash day, and I was pretty tired. 

Lem. Humph ! Ef you folks ever did a day's work in 
the hay field along o' Hiram and me, you'd hev something 
to be tired fer. 

Evelina. Oh, yes, and it was so interesting, Mrs. 
Crockett. Hiram showed me how the new cutting ma- 
chine worked, and he let me ride home with him on the 
hay team. Wasn't that sweet of him ? 



FOREST ACRES 17 

Miss R. Yes, it was. Too sweet to be wholesome, I 
should say. 

Hepsy. Well, that's better than being sour, and havin* 
a shape like a pickle. 

(Mrs. Crockett shakes finger at Hepsibah.) 

Miss R. When I was young, children were supposed 
to be seen and not heard. 

Hepsy. Yes, but that was so long ago. 

[Note. — Supper scene may be prolonged ad lib., intro- 
ducing any local topics of gossip, puns, jokes on 
neighborhood folks, etc., Elizabeth rising from time 
to time, removing plates, bringing in aaditional 
courses. Hiram brings in bucket of water from well, 
Elizabeth passes around pouring it. Farmer 
Lemuel peruses his catalogues between bites, rous- 
ing every now and then to offer some remark.] 

Lem. Well, I see these Brixley folks is advertisin' 
that new kind o' threshin' machine that's been interestin 
me so much this season. They've already writ me one 
letter about it, and said they was goin' ter send one of 
their men down ter talk ter me, and now I see they've 
got it advertised. 

Mrs. C. But Pa, you did say as how you might put 
up a sink in the kitchen this year, and draw the water in. 
Haulin' it in from the pump is awful hard work. 

Lem. Well, I did think o' doin' it, but I don't see how 
I kin do everything. The farm's our bread and butter, 
so the farm's got to come first. 

Hepsy. Well, let's have our bread without any butter. 
Liz wouldn't mind, would you, Liz? 

Eliz. No indeed, I'd gladly give up butter if I could 
have a few other things I want. 

Lem. Othei things! Other things! What in thun- 
der do ye want now ? It seems to me yer always wantm' 
something. These women do beat the Devil. What do 
you say, Mr. Arthur? 



l8 FOREST ACRES 

Mr. a. Well, pretty girls must have pretty things, 
you know, Mr. Crockett. 

Miss R. H'm-m. Well, handsome is as handsome 
does, was what I learned when I went to school. 

Mr. a. Yes, I'm sure it must have been in your case. 
Miss Ruggles. 

Hepsy. He-he-he-ha-ha ! 

Lem, Wall, good looks never set the world on fire 
yet, and ef you f olks'U excuse me 

(Wild shout from outside. Enter Andy, hatless, 
coatless, red.) 

Andy. Hey, Lem Crockett, that tarnation Betsy cow 
o' yourn clean stampeded through our whole field, 
knocked over the milkin' machine and spilled the whole 
day's milkin'. My ma's fit to be tied, she's so mad. 

Lem. {jumping up, knocks over chair in excitement) . 
Demnition and tarnation ! Them female critters is the 
darndest! Where's my hat? {Seizes hat.) Come on, 
Hiram; we got some job ahead of us. 

Eve. Oh, Hiram, please, please, may I go too, just to 
watch? I'll promise not to be in the way. 

Hiram. Sure. Come on, Evelina. 

[Exit Lemuel, Evelina and Hirah. 

Hepsy. I got to go too. Ma, and see the fun. I'll be 
back to do the dishes later. Come on, Miss Dill Pickle. 
{To Miss Ruggles.) I'll take you down to the pasture 
to see the battle. 

Miss R. Well {Nervously.), you're sure It's not a 
wild steer, Hepsy? I'm dreadfully afraid of those 
creatures. 

Hepsy {scornfully). Gee! You'd make a fine hero- 
ine in a play! No, Betsy cow couldn't hurt ye if she 
wanted to, and besides {Affectedly.), I'll be yer per- 
tecter, little one. Come on. 

{Exit Miss Ruggles and Hepsibah. Others laugh.) 

Mr. a. Well, there's nothing backward about Hepsy, 
is there ? She'll get along in this world all right. 



FOREST ACRES I9 

Mrs. C. Yes, but I'm thinkin' she's getting very bold 
and saucy. She's not the least bit afraid of any one — 
not even her father. 

Eliz. Well, she's the only one around here that isn't. 

(While talking, Elizabeth and her mother take out 
dishes, clear table, etc. Mr. Arthur reads paper.) 

Mr. a. I see Miss Ruggles left her paper behind in 
all the excitement. I suppose she'd have no objection to 
my reading it now. 

Eliz. Oh, no, I don't think she has any real objection 
at any time. Her bark's a good deal worse than her bite 
anyway. But she is queer, isn't she? If school teach- 
ing's done that for her, I'm glad I decided not to be one. 

{Exit Mrs. Crockett with last of dishes and does 
not return.) 

Mr. a. Is that what you intended to do ? 

(Elizabeth takes off table -cloth and shakes it out 
doors; comes back to c. Mr. Arthur takes two 
corners, Elizabeth the other two. Business of 
folding cloth smaller and smaller.) 

Eliz. Yes, when I first persuaded Pa to let me stay 
in school, I thought I'd like to be a teacher, but now I've 
changed my mind. 

Mr. a. And what v/ould you like to do now? 

{He shows inclination to take her hands as cloth is 
folded smaller. Elizabeth evades him, puts cloth 
in drawer, places flowers on center table. Both 
seat themselves.) 

Eliz. Now? Oh, I want to open a tea-room. I've 
had the idea in mind for a long time, particularly since 
we've heard so much talk about having a railroad built 
through this part of the county. The county's done a 
lot to improve the roads around here in the last few years 
and we have quite a little automobile travel passing here 



20 • FOREST ACRES 

now. I figured that I could get quite a bit of trade from 
them, and then if the railroad should ever run through 
and they should have a station anywhere near here, I 
could surely build up a paying business. 

Mr. a. Well, you surprise me, Miss Beth. I see your 
father hasn't any monopoly on the business ability in this 
family. Your plan certainly does sound like a good busi- 
ness proposition to me. 

Eliz. Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say so, Mr. Ar- 
thur. You see, Father " pooh-poohs " the whole affair, 
and I'm delighted to think that you, with all your busi- 
ness experience, should not think that it is entirely fool- 
ish to attempt such a thing. 

Mr. a. Foolish! No indeed. Women to-day, more 
and more, are going out into the world of men and com- 
peting, and making a success of it too. I am a firm be- 
liever that every girl should know how to do something 
whether she has to or not. Why, one of my very best 
friends has a niece, a young girl, an orphan, whose par- 
ents left her more money than she can ever spend, and 
she has gone to college and taken up a business course, 
just to fit herself for something useful in this world, al- 
though she'll probably never need the money. She's 
getting through this year, and she plans to do something 
with her training, although I haven't the least idea what 
it is. But I bet she'll make a success, whatever it is. 

Eliz. (looking at him sharply). Oh, is that so? 

Mr. a. Yes, and I'll bet the same thing about you. 
Miss Beth. I think you have got a very level head for 
one so young, and I'm sure that you'll win out in any 
venture you undertake. 

Eliz. Well, thank you for saying such nice things. 
I'm afraid I haven't quite as much confidence in my own 
ability as you seem to have. However, I mean to try 
as soon as I get the chance, but I can't for at least a year 
on account of my promise to Father. 

Mr. a. Well, at least you'll be getting good experi- 
ence in tea-room work while you stay at home. (Eliza- 
beth makes face.) By the way, I didn't know that there 



FOREST ACRES 21 

had been any talk of running a railroad line through this 
part of the town. Tell me more about it. 

Eliz. Well, there isn't very much to tell. There has 
been talk about it for a long time, and last year some men 
came to Father to see if they could come to terms about 
buying a strip of his land in case the plans went through ; 
But you know Dad and his farm. He asked so much for 
a square inch that they told him they didn't come to buy 
the farm, and Dad got mad and said he wasn't fussy 
about selling anyway, and so the whole thing fell through, 
and we haven't heard any more about it. But I could 
make a tea-room pay, I think, even if we don't have the 
railroad. 

Mr. a. I think you could at that, and if you ever get 
it started, I'll promise you one very good customer. 

Eliz. Thank you, Mr. Arthur; it's awfully nice of 
you to be so interested. 

{Picks up paper and glances through it.) 

Mr. a. Well, you didn't get very far in telling your 
father what you wanted at supper time, did you ? 

Eliz. No indeed, and now he'll be so cross over that 
old Betsy cow there will be no use asking him at all. 
Why, look here. (Mr. Arthur comes and looks over 
her shoidder. Enter Mrs. Crockett wiih basket of 
mending, and she looks too.) Here's an article about 
Jeffrey Brixley of the Brixley Shovel and Plough Works. 
He slipped stepping out of his automobile the other day 
and is confined to his home with a broken ankle. 

Mr. a. Why, bless my soul, I'm sorry to hear that. 
■ Mrs. C. You talk as if you knew him, Mr. Arthur. 

Mr. a. I do. I have met him a number of times, and 
he's really a very fine fellow. Got a nice wife, too. 

Eliz. {reading on). Yes, it says here: " His wife has 
cancelled all her engagements, and Mr. Brixley is under 
her personal care." Very nice, I'm sure. I suppose he 
sits in a nice soft easy-chair, with his leg up on a foot- 
stool, wearing a handsome silk dressing-gown, probably 
bought with some of the money my father's spent in his 



22 FOREST ACRES 

old Shovel Works, and his wife's all dolled up like a 
Paris fashion plate. It's very easy to " give him her 
personal care and attention" when you've nothing else 
in the world to do. 

Mr. a. Well, you know what I told you. Miss Beth. 

Eliz. What's that? 

Mr. a. Write and tell him your grievance. I'm sure 
he'd be interested. 

Eliz. Oh, that's foolish. I'd never do such a thing. 

Mrs. C. No, I hope not, Lizziebeth. Your pa would 
suttinly be madder'n a setter pup. 

Eliz. Not but what there's enough I'd like to tell 
him! He certainly would get the shock of his young 
life if he ever read the letter I'd like to send him. 

Mr. a. Well, suppose you let me see it instead. I'll 
bet you could handle the King's English in great style. 
I've got some letters to write too, and this is as good a 
time as any. We'll share the table. Miss Beth, and per- 
haps it will relieve your feeling a little to see what your 
thoughts look like on paper. 

Eliz. I've half a mind to do it just for fun. I don't 
know as I know myself just what it is I do want, but if 
I write it you must tear it up as soon as you've read it. 

{She goes to shelf, takes down pen and ink bottle, 
comes to table.) 

Mr. a. Cross my heart and hope to die. Isn't that 
what Hepsy says? 

(Takes fountain pen, paper and envelopes from pocket; 
both seat themselves at table and begin to write 
busily. Mrs. Crockett, in rocker, sews. Hums 
little tune. If desired, some simple old-fashioned 
melody may here be introduced.) 

VXiz. {finishing letter with flourish) , There! I guess 
I've said everything that's been on my mind for a year. 

{Blots letter hard.) 
Mr. a. Well, am I to read it? 



FOREST ACRES 23 

Eliz. Oh, yes, but not just this minute. I'd feel too 
foohsh ; but if you have one of those envelopes to spare, 
ril put it in, and you can put it in your pocket and read 
it when you are alone, and then later tell me that you 
think that Vm an old silly ** goop." 

Mr. a. I promise to do nothing of the kind. (Passes 
her an envelope. She puts letter in and passes it hack to 
him. He imites on envelope.) "Mr. Jeffrey Brixley, 
c/o Brixley Shovel & Plough Works, New York City." 
There, now I'll know that's yours and I won't get it mixed 
up with any of my other letters. Now I'll just put the 
address on my own letter. It's going to my lawyer, and 
then 

(Starts to write. Loud yodel from without.) 

Hepsy. Oh, you — o-o-o-o! Oh, Ma and Liz, come 
on out and see what they've done to that Betsy cow. 
And Mr. Arthur, come on out too. 

{All three go hastily to window and door. Mrs. 
Crockett laughs loudly.) 

Mrs. C. Well, now, kin yer beat that Lem Crockett 
fer thinkin* o' doin' things. That poor foolish Betsy 
cow. Come on outdoors and see what they're goin* ter 
do next. 

{Exit all three, leaving both letters on table. Enter 
Miss Ruggles and Evelina, fanning themselves.) 

Miss R. Well, I never did know that a cow could be 
such a fool critter. I've lost all the respect that I ever 
had for the animals. 

Eve. Yes, but Miss Ruggles, wasn't Hiram brave? 
Did you see the way he ran after her with the rope ; and 
his father let him go, too? Why, my heart was in my 
mouth for fear that something would happen to him. 

Miss R. H'm, brave, nothing! Why, the poor crea- 
ture didn't have enough get-up-and-go to her to know 
enough to run when she saw him coming. Brave ! Well, 



24 FOREST ACRES 

may the saints preserve us. Love is blind, all right! 
And now if you'll excuse me, Evelina, I'm going 

{Enter Andy, rear.) 

Andy. Got any mail, anybody? I got my team all 
hitched up ter take my ma down ter the Center. She 
'lowed that she needed a ride ter cool her off after chasin* 
that fool of a cow fer a half mile. 

Miss R. Oh, yes, thank you, Andy, I've got a letter 
all written. I'd be very much obliged to you if you 
would take it. I'll go right up and get it; it's in my 
room. [Exit, R. 

Eve. Oh, and Andy, here's some letters on the table. 
I suppose they want them mailed, though there ain't any 
stamps on them. 

Andy. Well, that don't matter. I'll git *em stamped 
at the Post Office. I don't mind. (Evelina hands him 
the letters.) This one ain't stuck. I suppose I better 
doit. 

{Business of licking the letter with loud noise , sealing 
it, etc. Enter Miss Ruggles.) 

Miss R. Here's my letter, Andy, and thank you very 
much. It will go so much quicker if you mail it down in 
the Center. 

Andy. Oh, that's all right, Miss Ruggles; I don't 
mind. [Exit Andy. 

Eve. {at window). Here they all come back again. 
Farmer Crockett's as mad as a hornet over losing the 
whole day's milking. 

{Enter Lemuel, Mrs. Crockett, Hiram, Elizabeth, 
Hepsibah, Mr. Arthur, all laughing and talking 
except Lemuel, who appears to he angry.) 

Miss R. Well, you can hardly blame him, can you? 

Hepsy {to Miss Ruggles and Evelina). Say, you 
two, why didn't you wait and see the finish ? Gee ! That 
was some show, wasn't it, Liz ? 

Lem. {angrily). Yes, it suttinly were. 'Course it 



FOREST ACRES 25 

means nothing ter you young folks that the whole .day's 
milkin' wuz lost. Consarn that 'ere critter. 

Mrs. C. Now, Lem, you know yer always quotin' that 
there ain't no use in cryin* over spilt milk, so yer jest 
better try and fergit it, and we won't none o' us mention 
it no more. {Gives meaning look at all.) 

Miss R. Well, I'm going to try and find a quiet spot 
and read my paper at last, I hope. 

Mr. a. Why, yes, and that reminds me that I've got 
a very important letter that I'm most anxious to read. 
(Looks at Elizabeth, goes to table.) Why — but where 
is it ? I left it here — left both of the letters on the table 
when Hepsy called us. I don't see them here now ! 

Eve. Oh, those letters. Why, I gave them to Andy 
Hobbs to mail. He was driving his ma down to the 
Center and he offered to take them. 

Eliz. Good heavens! You don't mean — you really 
didn't (To Mr. Arthur.) mail that letter! 

Mr. a. I'm afraid it looks very much like it. I'm 
very much afraid so. You see, I left it here with mine. 
There were no stamps on either of them. Yours wasn't 
even sealed. I never dreamed that any one would touch 
them. We were only gone such a little while. 

Eve. Well, Andy sealed one, and said he'd get the 
stamps down at the Center. What's the matter ? Didn't 
you want 'em mailed? 

Mr. a. Well, I'm not so sure that I didn't, but I 
don't think Miss Beth 

Mrs. C. (anxiously). Lizziebeth, Lizziebeth, you 
don't mean that that letter 

(Elizabeth and Mr. Arthur both silence her with a 
look. Meantime Lemuel, looking over catalogues, 
has heard nothing of all this. Lemuel comes to c.) 

Lem. Come on, come on, clear out o' here all on ye ! 
Vm sick and tired o' female critters anyways, and I want 
ter talk ter Mr. Arthur. He's the only one that's got any 
sense, anyway. (Miss Ruggles glares at him, Evelina 
and Hepsibah giggle, Mrs. Crockett and Elizabeth 



26 FOREST ACRES 

shake heads, all exit, various directions. Lemuel and 
Mr. Arthur seat themselves, c, Lej^iuel holding cata- 
logue.) I'd like ter hev yer opinion on this new Brix- 
ley tractor, Mr. Arthur. I know ye ain't no farmer, but 
somehow er 'nuther, ye appears to hev a leetle sense, 
jest the same. Now, you say this Brixley feller is a 
purty decent chap (Mr. Arthur nods.), and no doubt 
he'll be lookin' ter hear from Crockett's farm round about 
this time 

Mr. a. Well, I'm sure he won't be disappointed. 

Lem. Wall, now, I'd like ter show yer, Mr. Ar- 
thur (Continues talking during fall of curtain.) 

SLOW CURTAIN 



ACT II 
SCENE. — Library of Brixley home. 

(Enter Nora, the maid. Looks about hastily. Goes 
to door. Looks out. Comes back. Goes to tele- 
phone. Gives number.) 

Nora. Hello, hello — is this the Granard Hotel ? Oh, 
it is! Well, is Joe McDermott there? What? Is he 
one of the guests? Say, don't get fresh — course not — 
he's the head waiter. Oh, ye'll see if ye can find him. 
Well, don't keep me waiting too long, dearie. (Pause.) 
Hello — oh, is that you, Joe? Yes, this is me. Say, 
Joe, I'm awful sorry about that dance last night. Honest 
I am. Now, Joe, you know I'd rather dance with you 
than with any fellow I know. Sure I would. What did 
I do it for? Why, it was a test — what — no — a test. 
Testt — t-e-s-s-t — (Spells.) Yes. Honest it was; but of 
course if you won't believe me — well — yes, I know — 
but — shhh. I hear some one coming. I'll call you by 
and by. Good-bye. 

(Hangs up hastily and busies herself about room. 
Enter Jeffrey Brixley in wheel chair, pushed by 
Mrs. Brixley. His foot is bandaged. Their ap- 
pearance follows closely description given by Eliza- 
beth in Act I. Mrs. Brixley arranges his foot 
on stool and puts rug over knees. Wheels him to 
table.) 

Mrs. Brixley. There, dear, are you quite comfort- 
able? 

{Gives him the paper. Bell rings off stage. Nora 
answers.) 

a; 



28 FOREST ACRES 

Mr. Brixley. Oh, yes, thank you — as comfortable as 
I suppose I can expect to be with this foot of mine. 
Such a confounded nuisance! {Looks at paper.) 

Mrs. B. {seating herself with magazine). Yes, I 
know it's hard, dear, but just try to make the best of it. 
There's one consolation; it can't last forever. 

Mr. B. Good heaven. I should hope not. One week 
of it has been more than enough to last me for the rest 
of my entire life. 

{Enter Nora witn numerous letters, magazines, etc.) 

Nora {giving them to Mr. Brixley). Here is the 
mail, sir. {To Mrs. Brixley.) Is there anything else, 



ma am 



Mrs. B. No, thank you, Nora. That is all just now. 

[Exit Nora. 

Mr. B. {sorting letters). Two for you, my dear. 
{She rises to get them.) That top one looks as though 
it might be from Constance. I suppose she'll never get 
over the fact that we didn't get down to class day to see 
her get her sheepskin. Well, she couldn't feel any worse 
about it than I did. Confound this old foot again. 
Ouch! {As he attempts to move it.) 

Mrs. B. {anxiously). Jeffrey! Do be careful, dear! 
{Reads from the letter.) Yes, you are right. It is from 
Constance. And of course she is disappointed. How- 
ever, she says : " I understand of course how impossible 
it was for you and dear Uncle Jeffrey to get here for 
commencement and I'm so awfully sorry for his unfor- 
tunate accident. However, since the mountain couldn't 
come to Mahomet, Mahomet will do just as in the olden 
tale, and come to you. So expect me by the twenty-fifth 
at the latest." Why, Jeffrey, that's to-day ! 

Mr. B. Why, so it is! Yes. Well, I'll be mighty 
glad to see Connie here. She's a dear girl. 

Mrs. B. She surely is. And listen, Jeffrey: {Reads 
again from letter.) " I shall of course play around a bit 
this summer, but after that I hope to prove to my be- 
loved uncle and guardian that my sheepskin is more than 



FOREST ACRES 2g 

just a bit of parchment and that my desire to be useful 
is more than just an idle whim." So, she's really going 
to stick to that ridiculous plan of hers to go to work. 

Mr. B. Well, now, Elise, I don't know that it is ridic- 
ulous. I'll admit that I didn't thmk very well of it at 
first, but Connie's a girl with brams; and we can hardly 
blame her if she wants to make use of them. 

Mrs. B. But a girl with her money, and looks. Just 
think of the social success she could be. I'll wager that 
she'd have every eligible man in town in her train inside 
of six months. 

Mr. B. Well, if there's to be a Mr. Right in her life 
she'll find him anyway ; and besides she's young enough ; 
she's got plenty of time for that. 

(Leans head back and closes eyes.) 

Mrs. B. (goes to him hastily and puts hand on head). 
What's the matter, dear ? Do you feel ill ? You haven't 
even read your letters. 

Mr. B. No, Elise ; I'm all right. Don't bother about 
me. I was just picturing Connie to myself, as she used 
to be as a youngster. Can't you just see her, Elise, that 
summer we spent at their country place? She certainly 
was a beautiful child, and her father idolized her. 

Mrs. B. Yes, poor Adrian, he certainly did — but then, 
every one likes Constance — that's one of her charms — 
she just makes people like her. Why, even those hard- 
headed farmers down there at Shoreham would always 
give her an apple. They'd chase anybody else a mile if 
they caught them even picking one up from the ground. 

(Both laugh heartily.) 

Mr. B. Yes, bless her heart ! I remember too, how 
the most crabbed old duffer in the town turned his horse 
and team round and went back half a mile to get her hat 
that blew off when she was learning to ride her pony. 
She was a great young one, God bless her ! 

Mrs. B. Well, she'll be here soon, so we need not 



30 FOREST ACRES 

spend time talking about her. Shall I open your letters 
for you, dear ? 

Mr. B. My letters ? Why, bless me ! I almost forgot 
all about them. 

Mrs. B. Well, Connie's the only one that can make 
you do that. I ought to be jealous! 

Mr. B. Now, my dear, you know better than that. 
(Pats her hand affectionately.) And now let's see what 
the postman has brought. {Opens letters one after an- 
other. Mrs. Brixley picks up knitting.) Hello! Here's 
a letter from Gaines and Harcourt about that line of rail- 
road we were trying to put through down in Gresham 
County. 

Mrs. B. You never heard any more about those plans, 
did you? 

Mr. B. No, not a word. You see, we were afraid to 
advertise and say much about them for fear of letting 
too many people into the secret of what we intended to 
do. And then again we didn't want to let old Crockett 
know anything about it or he'd be asking a million dollars 
an inch for his land. Funny old party, he certainly is ! 
I might have taken a little run down there with you this 
summer if this confounded leg 

Mrs. B. Now there you go again, Jeffrey. How many 
times must I tell you that I don't mind staying in the 
city one bit, so please don't fret on my account. But 
tell me, have you given up all plans for that road? 

Mr. B. Oh, no ; not at all. Just letting it lie quiet for 
a while. In this letter Harcourt says that he thinks we 
better advertise and offer a substantial reward for the 
plans. He figures that will be less expensive than sur- 
veying all over again and making new ones. It's going to 
cost us something either way; so I suppose the easiest 
way is the best. 

Mrs. B. Have you finished all your letters, dear? 

Mr. B. No, here's just one more and then I think I 
shall take a little nap. (Opens letter, glances at it; looks 
puzzled, looks for signature, begins to smile, finally bursts 
into hearty roar. Leans back in chair and laughs loud 



FOREST ACRES 3 1 

and long. Gasping.) Well, God bless my soul if this 
isn't the funniest thing I ever heard of. 

Mrs. B. But do tell me, Jeffrey, what is it ? Fm dying 
to laugh too. 

Mr. B. Well, well, ha, ha, {Wipes eyes.) yes, my dear, 
you shall hear it. It's far too good to keep to myself. 
Listen to this. (Reads.) 

" Mr. Jeffrey Brixley: — 

President, Brixley Plow and Shovel Works. 
Dear Mr. Brixley: 

You are probably not nearly as well acquainted 
with me as I am with you, for in my home your name 
has been a household God ever since I can remember. 
This letter will serve to bring to your notice one Eliza- 
beth Crockett, of Crockett's Farm, daughter of Lemuel 
Crockett. Said Elizabeth is the possessor of 

1. Red(?) hair. 

2. A temper to match. 

3. A little brains, and a lot of nerve. 

Said Elizabeth is not the possessor of :' 

1. A great many comforts of life. 

2. A great many more luxuries. 
Reason therefor : 

The Brixley Shovel and Plough Works. 

No doubt the above is all Greek to you but it's much 
worse than that for us. My mother and I have figured 
out that my father, Lemuel Crockett, has paid to the 
Brixley Company on an average of $6,000 a year for 
farm machinery for the last six years. Because of that 
fact we have had to do without about everything else that 
makes life worth living, and so perhaps it might interest 
you to know that this year instead of selling my father a 
threshing machine, I take upon myself the privilege of 
advising you that your efforts would be much more 
appreciated if you would supply us with the following: — 

1. A new rug for the dining-room. 

2. A black silk dress for Mother. 

3. A dress, hat, gloves, parasol, for me. (Size "36'* 
please.) Suitable to wear to a church social. 



32 FOREST ACRES 

4. A pair of white slippers (I wear fours; and stock- 
ings, real silk if you don't mind). 

5. Lots of lovely underthings and anything you can 
think of that a red-headed female of twenty might want 
who had never had a decent " brand new " dress in her 
Hfe. 

No special hurry about this — only — the church social 
is next week. 

P. S. — Oh, yes, I forgot. Add one item more. A 
gingham dress for Hepsy, aged 10. 

Thank you. I knew you'd understand, and be glad to 
know just what we wanted. Yours, in the interest of 
" good business/* 

Elizabeth Crockett/' 



{Just as he is beginning to read this letter Nora shows 
Constance Loring in. Latter motions for silence, 
and remains in doorway at rear, listening. Nora 
retires. ) 

Mr. B. Well ! How do you like that ! 
Constance (row^^ ^0 c). Bully! 

Mrs. B. f {together). Constance! 

(She kisses them both affectionately, removes wraps, 
Mrs. Brixley rings bell for Nora, who comes and 
takes them away. Constance seats herself close to 
Mrs. Brixley.) 

Con. Well, Nunkie darling, so here you are cooped 
up in town in June. 

Mr. B. Yes, worse luck, and Aunt Elise with me. 

Con. Well, it's not half bad, I should say, if you get 
letters from Interesting young females like that every day. 

Mrs. B. Oh, so you heard it ? 

Con. Most of it. Enough to convince me that there 
is one young woman who has spunk enough to ask for 
what she wants. 



FOREST ACRES 33 

Mr. B. Well, this is a new one on me. 1 11 confess 
that it's rather taken my breath away. 

Con. Do you know the girl at all ? 

Mr. B. No, I've never even seen her to my knowledge. 
I've only been down to the place once, and then I didn't 
go into the house. Her father is one of our best cus- 
tomers — he has bought a lot of stuff from us, just as she 
says. 

Con. Well, then she probably has plenty of cause to 
complain. 

Mrs. B. She must want things pretty bad to write a 
letter like this. 

Mr. B. Oh, I imagine it was probably done as a joke; 
but let's not talk any more about Lemuel Crockett or his 
daughter. What about you, my dear? Tell us some- 
thing about yourself. We've simply been pining for a 
sight of you. 

Con. (rising and going to him). Well, darling, you 
certainly " pine " most becomingly. You are at least 
fifteen pounds heavier than when I saw you this winter. 

Mrs. B. (warningly). Shhsh ! Don't remind h'im! 
Especially since he hasn't been able to play golf, or get 
to the Turkish Bath on account of his foot. 

Mr. B. Well, nobody loves a fat man, you know, my 
dear. 

Con. (airily). Don't you believe it, Nunkie darling. 
In the language of the poets, " The fatter they get the 
harder they fall." 

Mr. B. (making a wry face). Well, 1*11 say so, you 
bet. 

Mrs. B. But Connie, dear, are you really going to 
persist in this foolish scheme of yours about going into 
business ? 

Con. Foolish ! Why, Auntie darling, please don't dis- 
courage the " sweet girl graduate." Here I am with an 
honest-to-goodness sheepskin that I earned all myself by 
honest toil. Why! I'm afraid I have permanently 
ruined a perfectly good complexion getting it. I had to 
drink so much black coffee to keep me awake when I 



34 FOREST ACRES 

was cramming for exams. And as for hair! Why, I 
tore so much of mine out that I never expect to possess 
a respectable marcel wave ever again. 

Mr. B. Fine work, my dear, fine. I never knew just 
how these modern young women went about the job of 
earning a degree! And pray, what does this precious 
sheepskin qualify you for? 

Con. Efhciency expert and business adviser (With 
a little curtsey.) at your service, sir. Mr. Big Business 
Man confides in me all his big oi little woes and worries, 
and I solve them for him ; or, if I can't, I find him some 
one who can. Two heads are better than one, you know. 

(While she is speaking, Nora enters with suit case 
marked C. L. She lingers a moment listening, then 
exits R.) 

Mrs. B. And do you really expect to get a position : to 
find any one who will need your services? 

Con. Why, of course, Auntie dear. I shall probably 
have several (Ahem.) "clients," (Aside.) that's what 
we call them, to choose from, once I get ready to settle 
down to real business. (Hugs Mrs. Brixley.) Now 
don'^ be like the old black crow that you always used to 
tell me about when I was little, that forever would cry 
out " You Caw-n't, You Caw-n't." I know you don't 
believe that I can do it ; but we'll show you, won't we, 
Nunkie darling? You'll have a little faith in me, won't 
you? 

Mr. B. Well, I suppose I'll have to say so anyway, if 
I value my life, but my dear little girl, take Uncle's advice 
and don't get ** too confidential " even with Mr. Big 
Business Man. You don't know them as well as I do. 

Con. Don't worry, darling. I promise to be most 
circumspect and careful. You'll give me at least a rec- 
ommendation, won't you? 

Mr. B. a recommendation! Good Lord! What 
could I say? 

Con. (laughing). Oh, just say: (In a businesslike 
tone.) To whom it may concern: — This is to certify 



FOREST ACRES 35 

that Miss Constance Loring, having successfully managed 
me all the days of her young life, is hereby guaranteed 
to manage anybody. 

Mrs. B. (laughing). Well, youVe come pretty near 
hitting the nail on the head this time. I guess you are 
the only person who can really manage him. Why don't 
you give her the recommendation, Jeffrey, and word it 
just as she told you to? 

Mr. B. I'll do better than that, by Jove ! I'll give her 
a job. Here you are, Connie. Here's your first com- 
mission. You said you were qualified to solve Mr. Busi- 
ness Man's worries. Well — here's one of mine. This 
letter — (Holds up Elizabeth's note.) It puzzles me to 
know just what to do about it. I don't want to lose 
Lemuel Crockett as a customer, true enough, but I'm not 
sure either that it would be wise to ignore the letter 
either. Here it is. You're the doctor. 

Con. Really! Uncle Jeff. Oh, Nimkie, you darling! 
(Hugs him, knocking off his glasses.) I know just what 
I want to do — just exactly how I would like to handle the 
situation. 

Mr. B. (pretending to he cross). Well, I don't care 
what you do as long as you don't break my eyeglasses or 
lean on my sore foot. 

Con. Darling! Did I hurt you? I didn't mean to, 
truly. (Scans letter.) Umhmmm! (Half to herself.) 
Size thirty-six — ummhmm, about a nine I should say, — 
and perhaps a twenty-two for a 

Mrs. B. Well, whatever it is you are talking about, I 
suppose you understand it. I am sure no one else does. 

Con. Oh, excuse me. Aunt Elise, I was just thinking 
out loud. That's one of the bad habits I got into at 
college. 

Mrs. B. And not the only one, I'll wager. But now, 
Jeffrey, you really must have a little nap, or I am afraid 
that all this excitement will be too much for you. 

Con. (quickly). Yes, that's the very thing for you, 
Uncle Jeff, for I'm going out, and I'm going to take 
Aunt Elise with me. 



36 FOREST ACRES 

Mr. B. Out! Why, you have only just come in! 
Where are you going now, child? 

Con. Why, shopping, of course, dear man. We are 
going to buy every last thing mentioned in that letter, and 
a v^hole lot more, too. Have I carte blanche. Uncle? 

Mr. B. Oh, go the limit as far as I am concerned. 

(Mrs. Brixley throws up her hands in surprise.) 

Con. That's fine ! Now hurry up, Auntie dear. Get 
Uncle all settled as quickly as possible, and come right 
back. We'll have to hurry. 

(Mrs. Brixley starts to wheel Mr. Brixley out, r., 
Constance gently pushing her to make her hurry. 
Rings hell for ^ORA. Puts on hat. Nora appears.) 

Nora. Did you ring, Miss ? 

Con. Yes, Nora, bring Mrs. Brixley's wraps, please. 
We are going out. And Nora, have Thompson bring the 
car around right away. Tell him we are in a hurry. 
{Exit Nora, returning in a moment with hat, wrap, 
gloves, etc., for Mrs. Brixley. ) And Nora, I shall send 
home a number of packages this afternoon. You and 
Sims look after them between you, will you? And have 
them all put in here. We'll make a place for them now. 

(Together they remove all furniture from one corner 
of room leaving large empty space. Enter Mrs. 
Brixley. ) 

Mrs. B. Gracious, Constance, what are you up to 
now? Going into the furniture moving business? 

Con. {laughing). Not quite^ Auntie; but come, we 
haven't a moment to spare. {Hands her hat and wrap.) 
We've got a big day's work ahead of us. {Puts on her 
own wraps.) Don't forget all I told you, Nora. 

Nora. No, Miss, I won't. 

Con. All ready, dear? Well, let's be on our way. 

(Exit. Sound of auto horn as they leave.) 



FOREST ACRES 37 

Nora (in doorway, watching them go). My! Isn't 
she the grand young lady ? Real sweet spoken too, she is, 
and not a bit high and mighty like some of her kind 
would be. I wonder if she's got a beau too. I'll bet if 
she has, he's not as nice as Joe McDermott is. (Looks 
about quickly. Listens. Hastens to 'phone. Gives 
number as before.) Hello, hello, is this the Granard 
Hotel? Oh, it is? Well, is Joe McDermott there? No, 
I said Joe McDermott! What's the matter, Cutie, are 
you hard of hearing? What? Is he one of the guests? 
Say, are you the same fresh " hall-room " boy that asked 
me that question before? Oh, you are, are you? Well, 
then for the last time on this earth I'd like to inform 
you that he ain't a guest. He's the head waiter; and I'd 
like to speak to him. (Pause.) Yes, yes, I'm still 
waiting. What? He's gone. Gone! What d'ye mean, 
he's gone? He left! Left his job! Well, where did he 

go? You don't know? Oh, o-o (Half crying.) Oh, 

noo-o-o, it don't matter, go-o~o-d-d b-y-y-ye ! ( Weeps 
and throws herself into a chair.) O-h-o-o-h, I only 
meant it for a joke, and now I've 1-o-s-t him. (Weeping.) 

(Lower the curtain here for a moment to denote pass- 
ing of time. Rises on Nora. Loud voices of man 
and woman in corridor. Woman speaks very 
sharply and angrily. Man's voice protests.) 

Man's Voice (off stage). But he's asleep, I tell you. 
He can't be disturbed. 

Miss R. {off stage). Well, who wants to disturb him, 
my good man ? I am not In the habit of disturbing gen- 
tlemen in their sleep. I came here to see Miss Loring,and 
I intend to see her ! 

Man's Voice (off stage). But she's out. 

Miss R. Well, why didn't you say so before? Very 
well, I'll wait. (Comes in red and angry.) Good 
gracious ! These overbearing servants. I never heard of 
such impudence ! Asking me if I wanted a position ! 
(Spies Nora. ) Good Heavens ! What's the matter 
here? (Shakes Nora.) Why do you weep, my good 



^8 FOREST ACRES 

girl? What is wrong with you? Where does it hurt 

you? 

Nora (dramatically, putting hand on heart). Here! 
Here ! Oh, Joe, Joe, I've lost him ! I've lost him ! 

(Stumbles from room, u) 

Miss R. {in horror). Great Caesar's Ghost! Another 
lovesick female! May the saints protect me. I thought 
I was through with all that kind of nonsense when I saw 
Evelina safely delivered into her mother's arms. But it 
must be in the air. Thank goodness, I never was affected 
that way. (Sits, fakes out knitting. Talk aloud.) Not 
but what I was quite a belle in my day and had many 
young men paying attention to me. Indeed! (Rises and 
preens self in mirror. ) I was considered quite a " catch " 
and could sing and dance with the best of them. I be- 
lieve I could do it still. There's no one around now. 
I've half a mind to try. 

(Here introduce a little specialty song and dance. The 
author suggests at this place a song, entitled, "It 
Happened Years and Years Ago, But I Like to Talk 
About It." Any other, however, may be used. As 
song is ending, loud noises and voices are heard 
again in corridor.) 

Man's Voice (off stage). Well, all right! He's 
asleep, but you can go in and wait. We'll soon look like a 
ward in the Psycopathic Hospital, I'm thinking. Here, 
you might as well make yourself useful. 

(Loud scraping and noise. Enter Andy Hobbs, per- 
spiring and bent nearly double under the weight of 
small steamer trunk. Deposits it on floor, straight- 
ens up, mops, etc.) 

Miss R. (amazed). Andy Hobbs! Good gracious! 
Am I seeing things? 

Andy. Sure. Howdy, Miss Ruggles. You're seein* 
me, that's who ! Guess ye never expected ter see me up 
here in the city, did ye ? 



FOREST ACRES 39 

Miss R. No, I certainly did not ! And in this house 
of all places. Whatever are you doing here ? 

Andy. Well, ye see, my ma, she got kind o' jealous o* 
hearin* everybody talk about Lem Crockett and the won- 
derful things he had to v^ork his farm v^^ith, so she jest 
thought she'd investigate a few o' them herself. She 
sent me up to this here Brixley place, coz I'm the man 
o' the family, I am. 

Miss R. Oh, really, I never should have guessed 

Andy. And she give me strict orders ter talk only ter 
the boss himself,- — Mr. Brixley. Well, down at his office 
they said he wuz home sick but when I said I hed to see 
him, they sent me up here. So here I am, and ez long ez 
I said I wuz comin' in anyhow, that French Duke out 
there 'lowed I'd better make myself useful. I never 
cal'lated ter do no furniture movin* up in the city, that's 
sure. It's different down home. 

Miss R. Well, it looks as though we both have to 
wait, so we might as well busy ourselves. 

(Takes out knitting. While she is speaking enter 
Nora, staggering under load of bundles, boxes, etc. 
Various noises outside as of bundles being thrown 
in front door.) 

Andy. Could I help ye, miss? I'm good and strong, 
and I don't mind carryin' bundles fer to help a lady. 

Nora {very glum). Well, you can get busy if you 
like. There's plenty more out in the hall. 

(Andy goes out. He and Nora make several trips, 
each time returning laden with boxes and bundles.) 

Miss R. Great Heavens ! Looks as though some one 
here was going away to Robinson Crusoe's island, and 
was purchasing all the supplies beforehand. 

(Auto horn outside.) 

Con. {outside). Thank you, Thomas. No, that is 
all to-day. {Enters with Mrs. Brixley.) Thank good- 
ness it is all. I'm so tired I don't know which foot to 
put down first. 



40 FOREST ACRES 

Mrs. B. And so am I. I fairly ache all over. Oh, 
{Seeing others.) I beg your pardon. I didn't know 
there was any one here. 

Con. Why, Miss Ruggles. You old darling, I'm de- 
lighted to see you. I never dreamed that you'd get here 
to-day. I thought that you were away in the country on 
a farm somewhere. 

Miss R. Well, I was. And I'm going back again. But 
I had to come to the city with a young — ahem — fool, I 
was going to say : but I suppose I better call her a young 
lady; so I thought I would drop in and see you for a 
little while. 

Con. Well, I'm delighted that you did. I want you 
to meet my aunt, Mrs. Brixley. Auntie, this is Miss 
Lucy Ruggles who was my governess that summer that 
you and Uncle were in Europe. (To Miss Ruggles.) 
Aunt Elise has often heard me speak of you. 

Mrs B. I am indeed very glad to know you. Miss 
Ruggles. Constance has told me of the very pleasant 
summer that you spent with her. And who is this young 
man? (Turning to Andy who stands sheepishly twirling 
his fingers.) Is he with you? 

Miss R. Oh, no, I came by myself, thank you; but I 
know him. He's waiting to see Mr. Brixley. 

Andy. Yes, I got ter see him. Ma told me not to do 
business with anybody but him. 

Mrs. B. But Mr. Brixley is ill. He is not attending 
to any business himself. You should not bother Mr. 
Brixley. 

Mr. B. (wheeled in by Nora). Who's taking my 
name in vain? I got tired of waiting for you to come in 
for me, Elise, so I just had Nora bring me in here. I 
was afraid I might miss something. What's doing? 

Con. Uncle, this is my former governess, Miss 
Ruggles. My uncle, Mr. Brixley. 

Miss R. Very pleased to meet you, sir. 

Mr. B. I am very glad to know you. Miss Ruggles. 
You'll forgive my not rising, I know. You see, I'm a 
" wounded soldier " just now. 



FOREST ACRES 4I 

Miss R. Oh, yes, I knew all about your accident. 
Everybody down at the Crockett Farm used to read 
all 



Mr. B. The Crockett Farm! 

Mrs. B. The Crockett Farm! 

Con. The Crockett Farm! 

Mr. B. My dear Miss Ruggles, do tell us 

Mrs. B. What do you know 

Con. About the Crockett Farm ! 

Miss R. Why, I've just come from there. 

Andy {interrupting) . And me too, and {Hurrying on 
before any one can stop him.) I live down there in Gres- 
ham County, and our place is right next to Lem Crock- 
ett's, and they're our next neighbors, and I want ter buy 
some farm tools, and my ma, she said as how I wa'n't to 
talk business with anybody but the boss himself. But 
gosh darn it all, I can't get anybody round this here place 
ter even listen ter me long enough ter find out what I 
reely do want, from that French Duke out there, by 
the door, ter you folks in hero. {All laugh.) 

Mr. B. Well now, young man, if you'll just have pa- 
tience for another few minutes, I promise that I'll listen 
to you as long as you want me to. I'm Jeffrey Brixley, 
or the boss, as you say. 

Andy. Wall now, that's something like. Fm Andy 
Hobbs. Mr. Brixley, put it there. {They shake hands.) 

Con. And now. Miss Lucy, do tell us how you hap- 
pen to be at the Crockett Farm. 

Miss R. Why, I'm spending the summer there. 

Con. Really I Oh, how wonderful. 

Miss R. Well, I must say that I haven't found any- 
thing very wonderful about it so far, but I'm going back 
there to-night. 

Con. You are! Well, then I'm going with you. 

Miss R. You! Why, what in the world ? 

Con. {with a warning look at Mr. and Mrs. Brixley). 
Well, you see, I have been transacting some of Uncle's 
business for him since his accident, and Aunt EHse and I 
had planned to go down to-morrow anyway ; so we might 



42 FOREST ACRES 

as well go to-night. {To Mrs. Brixley.) Run, darling, 
and pack your grip. Better be prepared to stay a week — 
it may be necessary. Miss Lucy, you go along and help 
her, and I'll tell you the whole story on the road as 
we go. 

Mrs. B. But darling — ^your uncle 

Con. {laughing). "But me no buts," Auntie dear, 

I'll fix everything beautifully for Nunkie {Gently 

propels Mrs. Brixley towards door, r.) Send Nora to 
me here, Auntie, please. 

Mr. B. Well, Constance, since you seem to be man- 
aging everything so beautifully, I am going to turn our 
young friend Mr. Hobbs over to your care. {To Andy.) 
Here, my young friend, is my business representative 
and adviser. You just tell her what you wanted to tell 
me, and I know that she will do everything to help you 
and do it even better than I could myself. 

Con. Uncle, that's perfectly darling of you, and now, 
suppose you just take Mr. Hobbs out into the other room 
for a little while. I want to see Nora about some of 
these things. (Andy starts to wheel Mr. Brixley to 
exit R.) And, Mr. Hobbs 

Andy. Gosh, ma'am, call me Andy. Everybody down 
home does. I don't rightly know myself, being " Mis- 
tered " like this. 

Con. {laughing). All right then, Andy it shall be, and 
we'll consider ourselves good friends from now on, shall 
we ? ( Offers him her hand. They shake. ) I was going 
to say, Andy, that you can tell me about everything on 
the way down. We'll all go down in the big car, Uncle, 
and these things can follow in the small truck. I'll ar- 
range with Thomas about it. 

Mr. B. Any way you wish, my dear. I've abdicated 
in your favor, and I'm going to give you a free hand. 

Con. You're a brick, Uncle Jeff, and I {Business- 
like tone.) certainly trust that my services in this matter 
will meet with your approval. {Both laugh.) But re- 
member, Uncle {Aside.), not a word about the letter. 
That's to be a dead secret. 



FOREST ACRES 43 

Mr. B. All right, my dear, your commands shall be 
obeyed. 

Con. You can send Andy back here in a little while. 
He may be able to help us with some of these bundles. 

Andy. Oh, sure, ma'am, I'd be glad to. I'm right 
smart 'bout loadin' and unloadin' teams. Hed lots o' 
practice down home. So long, ma'am. 

Mr. B. We'll leave you now, dear — see you later. 

Con. (kisses her uncle). All right, darling. Run 
away now for a little while. I have just bushels of 
things to do. (Exit Andy and Mr. Brixley. Con- 
stance takes shopping list from bag, scans it, talking 
half aloud, half to self, sorting various bundles. ) That's 
all settled. The two dresses — yes (Crosses out on list.), 
the shoes — that's the hat for the light dress — ummhmm — 
those are the " unmentionables " — yes — yes — that's all 
right — ummhmm. Yes, I think we got everything. My, 
my, what a day this has been. (Stretches arms as though 
weary.) I wonder where Nora can be. (Enter Nora, 
L., picture of woe.) Oh, there you are, Nora. I was 
just going to — why, good gracious, child, what has 
happened to you? Are you ill? Have you lost any- 
thing? 

Nora (bursts out crying). Deed and I have, Miss 
Loring. I've lost the only thing in the world I wanted to 
keep, and it's all my own fault, too. . Oh, Miss Con- 
stance, I hope as you won't be angry, but I couldn't help 
hearing you a-telling Mr. Brixley that you learned in col- 
lege how to advise people out of their woes and worries — 
won't you please advise me. Miss Constance, p-1-e-a-s-e, 
because I — certainly am worried. 

Con. Why, you poor girl, of course I'll advise you, 
but you mustn't have too much faith in what I can do. I 
really am in an awful hurry to get these things packed 
and loaded on the truck. 

Nora (eagerly). On, but it won't take a minute, 
honest it won't, and — (Sniffles.) it's so important. 

Con. There, there. Of course it is. That was very 
selfish of me. Of course I can take a minute, but you'll 



44 FOREST ACRES 

make it short, won't you, Nora? Well now, out with 
it. \They sit.) 

Nora. Well, ma'am, you see I've a young man, Joe 
McDermott by name, and he was the head waiter at the 
Granard Hotel. You know him. Miss Constance. Sure 
he was always telling me how he seen to it that you al- 
ways got the best table whenever you came in there for 
lunch, and you give him the nicest smile. Oh, he was 
that fond o' you, Joe was ! 

Con. Well, I'm glad I made a good impression. 

Nora. Well, Miss, I'm that foolish ! I went to a 
show the other night and I heard them say that the way 
to make yer beau love yer is to keep him guessin'. So 
whin I went to a dance with Joe last Saturday night I 
danced with all the other fellows and only give Joe one 
dance, and — I've — lost — him. 

(Throws apron over her face and cries aloud.) 

Con. But what did you do that for, Nora ? 

Nora {sniffling). Why, it was a test! 

Con. a what? 

Nora. A test. T-e-double s-t {Spelling.), test. 

Con. Oh, I see! A test. But why do you say you 
have lost him? 

Nora {crying again). Because I have. When I 
called him up this morning they told me he had gone — 
left — and I don't know where. He never said go-o-od- 
by-y-ye — oh — oh I 

Con. {deep thought for a moment). Nora, stop your 
crying at once. I know exactly what to do. You are 
coming with me. Run up-stairs and put a few things in 
a suit case and come back as soon as possible. Every- 
thing's going to be right as right can be. 

Nora. And Joe? 

Con. You leave that all to me. I'll have everything 
fixed up fine. 

Nora. Oh, Miss Constance, how will I ever thank 
you? 

Con. Well, don't try now, anyway. I'm in too much 



FOREST ACRES 45 

of a hurry. Run along now and don't be long, and on 
your way run in and tell Mr. Brixley to come in here at 
once, please. 
Nora. Til fly, Miss. 

(Exit Nora, r. Constance busies herself with bun- 
dles, etc. Enter Mr. Brixley and Andy. ) 

Mr. B. You wanted me, Connie? 

Con. Yes, Uncle Jeff. You see, dear, I have decided 
that Thomas must have an assistant at once. 

Mr. B. Thomas! The chauffeur! But what on 
earth 

Con. " Doctor's orders." Business doctor, I mean. 

Mr. B. (resignedly). Oh, I see. Of course. Well, 
what next ? 

Con. Next? Oh, I shall send a young man to you, 
and when he comes you will please engage him at once, 
and when you send the car down to Gresham County to 
bring us home, be sure (Very emphatically.) the new — 
young — man — comes — with — Thomas ! This last is most 
important. 

Mr. B. Oh, I see, but (Aside.) Til be damned if I 
do. I'm to send the new young man down with Thomas 
to get you. Anything else? 

Con. Yes. Will you give me the telephone number 
of Gaines and Harcourt and then (Mysterious.) listen f 

Mr. B. Of course. " Chatham 6297." I'm all ears. 

Con. (gives number at 'phone). Hello, Gaines and 
Harcourt? Mr. Harcourt, please. Miss Loring speak- 
ing. Miss Constance Loring. Yes, very urgent. 
(Smiles.) Hello, Mr. Harcourt, how do you do? This 
is Miss Loring. Yes. I have a little matter to put into 
your hands. I am speaking for my uncle, Mr. Brixley. 
(Winks at latter; he throws up his hands in despair.) 
Yes. You will please send some one out at once to locate 
Mr. Joe McDermott, who up to yesterday was the head 
waiter at the Hotel Granard. Find him and send him at 
once to Mr. Brixley at his home. He has a position for 
the man. Yes, thank you. That is all. Good-bye ! 



46 FOREST ACRES 

Mr. B. (titter consternation on his face). But, my 
dear — a head waiter — a chauffeur — really, I do not see. 

Con. (flinging herself into chair). And Auntie was 
worried that no one would " need my services." 



QUICK CURTAIN 



(Second Picture) 

(All except Mr. Brixley zvith hats and wraps on. 
Miss Ruggles, Mrs. Brixi.ey in background. 
Andy and Nora_, carrying bundles out, Constance 
directing them. Mr. Brixley in chair, r. c.) 



SLOW CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same as Act I. 

(Curtain rises on Mr. Arthur seated, reading. Enter 
Hepsibah with hop, skip and jump. ) 

Hepsy. Oh, I say, Mr. Arthur, I just heard the most 
wonderful news. 

Mr. a. Indeed, Hepsy! What was it? 

Hepsy. Well, I just met Abner Stiles comin' up from 
the Center and he told me that two men come in on the 
train this morning and they was asking fer news of any- 
body findin' a box round here. 'Course I don't know 
if it's my box they mean, but sounds pretty much like 
it ter me ! What do you think ? 

Mr. a. Why, I think you are right, Hepsy. Perhaps 
they are after it at last. Where did Abner say they 
were? 

Hepsy. Well, he says they just come in this momin' 
and they're stayin' down to the hotel in the Center. 
They've posted a notice up in the hotel office and Abner 
says that they's a reward. Gee! I'm so excited! But 
I never told Abner a word about me finding a box. I 
thought maybe he'd be wantin' to claim some o' the re- 
ward, so I just run like blazes back here to tell you about 
it. Gee, but I'm warm ! 

(Fans herself. Enter Mrs. Crockett Tvith pan of 
potatoes.) 

Mrs. C. Hepsy, Hepsy, haven't I told you not to use 
any saucy words ! 

Hepsy. I didn't know I did, Ma. What did I say? 

Mrs. C. Well, it doesn't sound nice for a little girl to 
say " run like blazes/' That's slang. 

47 



48 FOREST ACRES 

{Seats herself and pares potatoes.) 

Hepsy. Well, I guess you won't blame me when I 
tell you why I had to " run like blazes " to git here. 
(Mysteriously.) Some one's come fer the box. 

Mrs. C. Mercy gracious ! 

Mr. a. Yes, and I really think there's more to this 
than we realize. Mrs. Crockett, if you are willing to 
leave the matter in my hands, I shall be glad to handle 
it for Hepsy. 

Mrs. C. Oh, yes, do, Mr. Arthur. I'd be fussed up 
to know what ter do, and Lemuel's too busy to bother. 
(Goes to R. ; calls.) Liz — Lizziebeth, come in here and 
git the latest news. 

(Enter Elizabeth, enveloped in bungalow apron, wip- 
ing hands on towel; smudge of flour on one cheek 
and arm.) 

Eliz. What is it. Mother? I was just getting tke 
cookies ready. 

Hepsy. Well, I guess you won't have no mind for 
cookies when you hear what's happened. They've come 
looking for the box! 

Eliz. Who? What box? 

Hepsy (in disgust). What box — ain't that just like 
her? Well, if that's all the brains ye get in a High 
School eddication, I ain't goin'. Why, the box I Our 
box — that I found down in your berry patch. 

Eliz. Really? Who's looking for it? 

Mr. a. Well, that's what I shall make it my business 
to find out before the day is over. 

Hepsy. And say, I didn't tell ye everything either. 
Abner says there's a big bunch o' strangers came to the 
hotel last night. He says they're all swell New Yorkers ; 
but. Lord! he don't know a swell New Yorker from a 
Wild West cowboy — ha, ha. And say, Liz, ye'd never 
know Andy Hobbs. He's actin* so queer. I just seen 
him fer a minit this mornin' and I thought he'd gone 
crazy. Acted as mysterious like; just as though the 
" spirits " had got him. 



FOREST ACRES 49 

Mrs. C. Well, I suppose his little trip to New York's 
gone to his head a bit. Andy's a good boy, just the 
samee. 

Eliz. No doubt he'll be over here by and by to tell 
us all about it. He never can keep anything to himself 
very long. Well, I must get back to the cookies. 

Hepsy. Well, I don't think Andy'll be comin* over 
here right away, coz I yelled out to him ter come on over, 
and he yelled back ter me : " No, I can't come, and I 
ain't tellin' all I know neither." Now what do you think 
he could o' meant by that? 

Eliz. Well, if we wait a while we'll probably find out, 
and meantime I've got to get into the kitchen or there'll be 
no cookies. 

Mr. a. Yes, and Fm going to stroll down to the 
Center and see what I can find out about the strangers 
who are after that box. You still have the box safely 
hidden, haven't you, Hepsy ? 

Hepsy (going to cupboard and taking out box and 
showing it). Oh, yes, it's all here and fine and dandy, 
and everything's in it. 

Mr. a. {looking out window). Hello! Wonder 
what's happened now. Here comes Mr. Crockett run- 
ning as hard as he can go. 

Mrs. C. Lem running! Some'n awful's happened. 
I've never knew that man to move a step quicker'n he 
wanted to, unless the evil one himself was pursuing him. 
Glory be! What d'ye s'pose is the matter? 

{Enter Lemuel, rear; breathless; flings himself into 
chair. Fans with hat; breathes heavily; all stand 
expectant.) 

Lem. Well, by the Great Jiminy Jump Up's, and 
what d'ye suppose has happened now? 

Mrs. C. {fearfully). Oh, Lem, do cell us right away. 
I can't bear waitin'. Is it very bad news? 

Lem. Bad news. Bad fiddlesticks. Who said it wuz 
bad, and who's keepin' yer waitin', I'd like ter know? 
Ain't I talking ez fast ez my tongue kin travel? 



50 FOREST ACRES 

Mr. a. Well, what's happened to Farmer Crockett? 

Lem. Well, jest about a quarter of an hour ago 
Peterson's boy came over after me, and said ez how I 
wuz wanted on the telephone over ter his store. I won- 
dered who in tarnation would be calling me right in the 
middle o' the day's work, but o' course ye never can 
tell, so I pelted over there, and who do ye think it wuz? 

All. Who, oh, who? 

Mr. a. I haven't the faintest idea, I'm sure. 

Lem. Wall, it wuz the head of the Brixley Shovel 
Works; himself. 

Mr. a. Jeffrey Brixley! 

Eliz. Impossible ! 

Lem. Impossible nuthin' ! I tell ye it was him a-callin* 
right down frum Noo York. Said he hed ter git me on 
the nearest tel-ey-phone, and he was surprised such a 
big man in this town as I wuz shouldn't have a 'phone in 
his own place. 

Hepsy. Sure pop, we've said that lots o' times. 

Lem. Wall, perhaps it mightn't be sech a bad idee 
to hev one in. 

^«|C-] What! 

Lem. Why, sure. Ef it's goin' ter be used fer farm 
business, strikes me it might be a good investment. 

Mr. a. And what did Mr. Brixley want you for? 

Lem. Wall now, Fm comin' to that. He called me 
ter tell me that his wife, Mrs. Brixley, and his niece and 
business representative, Miss Loring, happened ter be in 
our neighborhood and would give themselves the pleasure 
of callin' on my wife and darter this afternoon. 

Mr. a. Well, I'll be d— ahem— de-light-ed. 

(Gives Elizabeth meaning look.) 

Mrs. C. Here — oh, Pa! 

Eliz. Not really, Father! What shall we do? 
(She and her mother look at each other in despair.) 
Lem. Not really. Well, by Heck, I guess it is really, 
and I don't know what we're all standin' round here like 



FOREST ACRES 5 1 

a bunch o* do-nothin's. Get busy now and fix this place 
up a bit. {Starts to dust furniture with hat and pocket 
hankerchief ; Elizabeth, Hepsibah and Mrs. Crockett 
fiy round frantically putting things in place and dust- 
ing, etc.) Now I got ter go and git washed up a bit. 

Mr. a. I'll go along too, Mr. Crockett. I want to 
see a couple of men down in the village. (Starts to go 
with Lemuel.) I'll be back soon. I want to meet your 
guests. [Exit Lemuel and Mr. Arthur. 

Eliz. (taking off apron, revealing very shabby dress). 
Oh dear, what ever shall we do ? Just see the way I look, 
and my hair! 

(Goes to mirror; tries to rearrange hair.) 

Mrs. C. Oh, Lizziebeth, do ye think it has anything 
to do with that 

Eliz. (silences her. Looks at Hepsibah), Of course 
not. Mother. Don't be absurd. Oh, if it had only been 
any other day but this; just when I've been trying to 
make up my mind to go to the " social " to-night in my 
old rags. Well, if they're coming, they're coming, and 
I suppose we'll have to make the best of it. 

{Enter Miss Ruggles from rear. Auto horn heard 
outside. Miss Ruggles with voluminous auto veil 
tied about hat.) 

Hepsy. Oh, hello, Miss Ruggles. We never ex- 
pected you back till late. Hiram was goin* to hitch up 
and meet ye on the four-fifty-five train. 

Miss R. Well, I'm here, and I didn't wait for a train. 
Some friends brought me in their machine. 

Hepsy. Oh, some o' those swell dames you was al- 
ways governessing about? 

Miss R. Yes, the very same. And, my dear, I have 
{To Elizabeth.) some wonderful news for you and 
your mother. 

Eliz. For me ! Heavens ! I don't think I can stand 
another thing. What is it now? 



52 FOREST ACRES 

Miss R. You are going to have some very distin- 
guished company in a very few minutes. 

Mrs. C. Well, we know that; but mercy on us, how 
did you know it? 

Hepsy. Huh ! Her ? She knows everything. 

Miss R. Well, I know it, because I came down with 
them. Miss Loring, who is Mr. Brixley's niece and busi- 
ness adviser, used to be a pupil of mine, and she gave me 
a message for you. 

Eliz. For me? What is it? 

Miss R. She is outside in the machine now, and your 
father is talking to her. She wants to have a few min- 
utes in here alone with your father before she meets you 
and your mother. Do you mind? 

Eliz. Mind? I should say not. I feel as though I 
shall scream right out any minute. 

(Goes to exit l. with Miss Ruggles.) 

Hepsy. Come on, Ma, we got to beat it, too. I guess 
we're what you would call " dee tropp." 

(Exit Mrs. Crockett and Hepsibah. From rear 
enter Lemuel and Constance, busily talking, Mrs. 
Brixley following.) 

Con. Yes, as I was saying, Mr. Crockett, I was very 
much surprised to find such a model farm tucked away 
down here. I had no idea that I was coming to such an 
up-to-date place. You see, the first glimpse of the house 
would hardly lead one to expect it. 

(Pauses expressively.) 

Lem. (rather sheepishly). Wall, I s'pose that's so. 
Yer see, I ben so busy gettin' things fer the farm thet I 
s'pose T hev rather let the house go. My wife and 
darter's allers tellin' me that. Where are they, by the 
way? I'll call 'em. 

Con. Oh, wait just a minute, Mr. Crockett. You see 



FOREST ACRES 53 

I do SO enjoy having this Httle talk alone with you. We 
seem to understand each other so well. 

{Smiles at him. Mrs. Brixley shows admiration and 
amusement. ) 

Lem. Wall, I will say you're a purty bright young 
pusson fer a female. I ain't got much use fer most on 
'em, but you do seem to make me feel real comfortable 
talking to you. I'll say that. 

Con. Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that, because 
I felt the same way about you. I knew I was going to 
like you the moment I met you. 

Lem. (throzvs out chest). That's awful nice of you, 
ma'am — but I'll call the wife. 

Con. Oh, just one minute, Mr. Crockett. I wanted 
to say just one thing more. You see, I am representing 
my uncle during his illness, so he has commissioned me 
to talk to you about a little matter of business. I was 
so glad to hear you say that you had not bought anything 
for the house lately. It proves that my uncle has very 
good judgment. 

Lem. I don't quite git what yer drivin' at, ma'am. 

Con. Well, you see, it's this way. The Brixley Com- 
pany have adopted a new plan of doing something each 
year for their very best customers, in order to show their 
appreciation of the business that they give them. Now 
you know, Mr. Crockett, you are one of their very best 
customers, isn't he, Auntie? 

Mrs. B. Oh, yes indeed, one of the very best. I have 
often heard Mr. Brixley say so. 

Lem. Wall, I guess I hev given them a few good 
orders in my day. 

Mrs. B. Indeed you have. 

Con. Yes, and they appreciate it and they wished to 
do something to show that appreciation; so my uncle 
thought that since you had been buying so many things 
for the farm all these years 

Mrs. B. And we knew you had a wife and some girls 
in your family. 



54 FOREST ACRES 

Con. That it would be much nicer to make you a 
gift of some things for the house. 

Mrs. B. And pretty things that the women could en- 
joy. Don't you think so ? 

Lem. {puzzled). Wall, I suppose it is pretty nice o' 
them, but I jest don't quite understand; but I'll call 'em 
and you kin talk to 'em yerself. I got ter think this 
thing out a bit. {Goes to l. ; calls loudly.) Liz, Lizzie, 
I want that you and yer mother should come here right 
away. 

{Enter Mrs. Crockett, Elizabeth, Miss Ruggles 
and Hepsibah.) 

Miss R. {going to Constance). My dear, I want 
you to meet Mrs. Crockett and Miss Elizabeth and Hepsy 
Crockett. Elizabeth, this is Miss Loring. And Mrs. 
Brixley. Miss Elizabeth and Mrs. Crockett. 

{They all acknowledge introductions and shake hands. 
Mrs. Brixley engages Mrs. Crockett in conversa- 
tion. Exit Lemuel, r.) 

Con. I'm so glad to have an opportunity of talking 
to you. Miss Crockett. Miss Ruggles has told me so 
much about you. 

Eliz. Well, I hope she has said nice things. You see, 
it was quite a surprise to me to find that Miss Ruggles 
knew you at all. 

Con. She knows me very well, I'm afraid — knows all 
my faults, too. 

Miss R. Well, they're not very bad ones, I must say. 

Hepsy. That's the nicest thing I ever heard Miss 
Ruggles say about any one. You must be " teacher's 
pet." 

Con. {laughing). Oh, I hope not, and I even hope 
more than that. I hope you are going to like me too, 
Hepsy, when we get to know each other a little better. 

Hepsy. Well, if I didn't like you, I'd be sure to like 
the duds you wear anyway. My, but them is swell 



FOREST ACRES 55 

clothes. That's the kind you wanted, ain't it, Liz — ter 
wear to the Garden Party to-night ? 

Eliz. (embarrassed). Hepsy! Hush. 

Con. Oh, don't let it trouble you, Miss Crockett. 
Every girl likes pretty clothes. She wouldn't be natural 
if she didn't ; and I know that you do. 

Eliz. Oh, Miss Loring, please, please don't let's talk 
about clothes. I suppose Mr. Brixley has told you 

Con. (interrupting her quickly). Of course he has 
told me. He tells me everything. (Aside.) Not a word 
about that letter to anybody — and don't be a bit sur- 
prised whatever happens. 

(Mrs. Brixley rises and comes to c.) 

Mrs. B. You see, Miss Elizabeth, I have just been 
explaining to your mother that we came down here on a 
little matter of business for Mr. Brixley. You know he 
is laid up with a broken ankle. 

Eliz. Yes, we read of it in the paper. 

Mrs. B. Well, Mr. Brixley desired to (Enter Lem- 
uel.) send your father a gift of some sort as a mark of 
appreciation of the amount of business he has been 
giving the Brixley Company these last few years, but 
Constance and I thought that since he had bought so 
many things for the farm, that it would be so nice to 
have the gift take the form of something that you and 
your mother could enjoy. We even asked Miss Ruggles* 
advice too, and she agreed with us. 

Miss R. Yes, after being around here for four weeks, 
I certainly did. 

(Lemuel collapses speechless in chair.) 

Mrs. B. (spies Lemuel). So you see, Mr. Crockett, 
this time you are going to be left out in the cold. 

Con. (turning to him). Have we your permission to 
bring the things in, Mr. Crockett? Nora and Andy 
Hobbs are waiting outside till we give the word. 

Mrs. C. Andy Hobbs ! Good Land o' Goshen, what 
does he know about it? 



56 FOREST ACRES 

A 

Hepsy. Hep oh! Now I begin to see it all. He's 
been to New York, and I suppose he was in on the secret 
and that's why he acted like a ** crowin' rooster " when 
I saw him. Gee! I don't understand this whole busi- 
ness one bit. I hate mysteries. 

Con. Is it all right, Mr. Crockett? May we bring 
the things in? 

Lem. (resignedly). Oh sure, don't ask me. I ain't 
in this party. You women folks suit yerselves. I'll not 
interfere. 

Con. Oh, Mr. Crockett, that's so nice of you! But 
then I knew that we could count on you to help. (Goes 
to door and waves.) All right, Nora. Come in, Andy. 
(Miss Ruggles and Mrs. Brixley motion all others to 
various positions about the room. Enter Andy and 
Hiram, each with large rug rolled up. Drop them to 
floor, pick up old rugs, throw them out of way, put down 
new ones. Enter Nora, laden with bundles. Mrs. 
Brixley, Constance and Miss Ruggles take them from 
her. She goes out, returns with more ; also Andy and 
Hiram bring in steamer trunk, suit case, etc. Con- 
stance, to Elizabeth and Hepsibah.) Don't you girls 
want to help us too? (Gives them new curtains to put 
up, arranges number of potted plants, Madiera cloth for 
table, several sofa cushions and decorative draperies. If 
possible, one or two new chairs, sections for a bookcase, 
etc. A victrola to replace the old one, with a number of 
records. Several good pictures. Every one excited, run- 
ning back and forth, bumping into each other, laughing, 
all talking at the same time. Hiram brings in step- 
ladder; Constance climbs it to hang a picture; Andy 
helps her up, hands her hammer, nails, etc. Constance, 
from toj) of ladder. ) Come now, Mr. Crockett, we can't 
do all this without your help. Have I got this picture 
quite straight? 

Lem. Wall, I cal'late you hev, accordin' to my eye. 
(Looks around.) But I swan, I never did think that 
fixin's could make so much difference in a place. 

(Enter Mr. Arthur, rear.) 



FOREST ACRES 57 

Mr. a. Hello, what's all this? Well, w-h-e-w-w-w. 
(Whistles.) 

(At sound of his voice, Constance turns round on 
ladder, looks astonished, and sits down on top rung 
of ladder, dropping hammer in surprise, and nar- 
rowly escapes hitting Lemuel with it.) 

Con. Well, Franklyn Arthur, where under the sun 
did you drop from ? 

Mr. a. Drop from? Why, my dear young lady, I've 
been staying at this farm for nearly a month. 

Con. You have! (Looks at Miss Ruggles.) 

Miss R. Good land, child, I clean forgot all about 
telling you that. We had so much to talk about that it 
clean went right out of my head. 

Hepsy. I'll bet it's the first time in her life that she 
ever forgot to pass on any news. 

Mrs. C. (zvarningly) , Hepsy! 

Mr. a. But I say, who's the fairy here whose magic 
wand has changed everything like this ? 

(Shakes hands with Mrs. Brixley.) 

Eliz. Oh, it is Miss Loring and Mrs. Brixley. 
They've both been just wonderful, Mr. Arthur. 

Mr. a. Mr. Arthur? I thought we had decided that 
it was to be " Franklyn " after this ? 

(Elizabeth looks embarrassed. Constance looks at 
him sharply and descends ladder. Mr. Arthur of- 
fers her his assistance. She waves him aside and 
takes Lemuel's hand to help her down.) 

Con. Fairy! Nothing! Why, we haven't even be- 
gun yet. You have yet to meet the original " Fairy 
Godmother." (Points to Mrs. Brixley.) We've got 
the house fixed up. Now you are going to see how the 
people look. (Enter Hiram and Andy, Nora and Hep- 
sibah with more boxes and bundles. ) Now, Miss Crock- 
ett, will you go to your room, please, with Nora, and let 



58 FOREST ACRES 

her leave some of these things there? (Opens trunk. 
Holds up suit, dark dress, shoes, etc., one after another.) 
These are what the Fairy Godmother has brought to you, 
but if you will go with Nora, she'll have you back here 
in fifteen minutes, and I promise you that you will not 
miss a thing of what's going on. 

Eliz. Well, we've put ourselves in your hands, as 
Father says, so I suppose I must obey orders. 

[Exit, L,, Nora and Elizabeth. 

Mrs. B. And now, Mrs. Crockett, if you will let Miss 
Ruggles and me go with you to your room, we promise 
that you, too, shall be back in fifteen minutes. 

Mrs. C. Oh, but really I can't be 

Lem. Oh, go 'long. Ma. Don't alius be argyfying 
'bout something. 

Mrs. C. Very well, Lem, if you say so. 

(Mrs. Brixley takes a box, and Miss Ruggles a bun- 
dle. Exit both with Mrs. Crockett.) 

Hepsy. Gee! I must be a stepchild round here. I 
feel as if I wuz goin' ter bawl. 

Con. {quickly). Why, Hepsy, child, of course you 
are not going to do any such thing. I only kept you here 
until the last because I am going to fix you up myself. 

Hepsy {delightedly). You are! Really, Miss Lor- 
ing? What am I going to have? 

Con. You just wait and see! Andy, please open my 
suit case and give me the brush and comb that you see 
there. (Picks up bundle and starts to open it.) Now, 
Hepsy, you come over here behind the curtain, and I'll 
have you changed in less than two shakes of a lamb's 
tail. Do you know how long that is, Mr. Crockett? 

Lem. 'Deed I do, ma'am; 'deed I do. (Chuckles.) 
Purty smart gal, that ; purty smart. 

(Constance and Hepsibah retire for few moments 
while Hepsibah's dress is being changed. This may 
be done in any way convenient.) 

Con. (from behind curtain). Oh, Franklyn, will you 



FOREST ACRES 59 

please find me a bundle containing a pair of slippers for 
Hepsy? It's right there on top. 

Mr. a. Why, yes, gladly, but how will I know it ? I 
wouldn't dare open most of these bundles. 

Con. Oh, you'll know it by the shape. It's all 
" stick-y out " and irregular. 

Andy. Yep. I seen it. Looks like it had warts on 
the top. Here, I'll help ye find it. 

(Hiram, Andy, Lemuel and Mr. Arthur all search 
frantically for parcel.) 

Lem. Here it be. I got it. {Attempts to straighten 
up. Claps hand on hack.) Ouch! Gosh all tarnation. 
I jest dropped a stitch in my back. Guess I ain't ez 
young ez I used ter be ! 

Con. {coming out from behind curtain with Hepsibah, 
the latter all arrayed in new gown). Nonsense, Mr. 
Crockett; you're still a young man. Mustn't talk about 
getting old for the next twenty years yet. (Lemuel 
grins. Constance takes brush and comb and ribbon.) 
Now, Hepsy, just get into these slippers and then sit 
down here while I fix your hair. 

(Hepsibah slips on new shoes. Business of having 
hair combed, pidled, twisted and arranged while four 
men look on, expressing opinions, disapproval, offer- 
ing suggestions, etc., such as: "I shotdd think it 
ought ter be hoisted a leetle over the left ear," or 
" Why don't yer tie the ends with a red ribbon like 
we put on the end of Betsy cow's tail, ha, ha!" When 
work is finished, enter Mrs. Crockett, Miss Rug- 
GLES and Mrs. Brixley from r., Mrs. Crockett 
arrayed in silken gown, hair becomingly dressed; 
vast improvement in appearance.) 

Lem. {looking at her in astonishment). Wall, I 
snumb! 
Hiram. 1 (5^3},, Gee! 
Andy, j 
Hepsy. Lordy, Ma, you look almost as nice as I do. 



6o FOREST ACRES 

(Pirouettes around.) 

Con. Well, you certainly do look awfully nice, Mrs. 
Crockett. Now we can see what a pretty woman you 
really are. (To Lemuel.) Don't you think so? 

Lem. Holy Jumpin' Jiminy! I don't know what to 
think round here any more. It just don't all seem nat- 
ural ter me somehow. I ain't quite got this thing figgered 
out ter my own satisfaction yet. Why should 

(Scratches head as though thinking hard. Con- 
stance smiles at her aunt and Mr. Arthur.) 

Mrs. B. Oh, well, Mr. Crockett, that's because it's all 
new to you just now. When you see how nice they all 
look when they are dressed up you will want them to look 
like that all the time. 

Con. Well, just wait. The best is yet to come. I'll 
wager you'll be proud of your daughter when she gets to 
the Garden Party to-night, Mr. Crockett. Look at her. 

(Enter Elizabeth in beautiful summer costume, hat 
and parasol to match. Nora follows with wrap. 
All stand in admiration.) 

Mr. a. (going to her and leading her to c). My 
word, but you are a picture, Miss Beth. I shall be 
mighty proud to be your escort. 

Eltz. Oh, Miss Loring, I think it's all so wonderful. 
I don't dare to begin to thank you or I know I shall 
break down. I've got a big lump in my throat already. 

Hepsy. Well, look at me, and fergit it. Don't I look 
like a real Fifth Avenoo millionaire kid? 

Eliz. You surely do look very nice, Hepsy, and oh! 
Oh! Mother! 

(Runs to^ Mrs. Crockett, puts head on her shoulder 
and cries. Mrs. Crockett begins to dab eyes with 
handkerchief. ) 

Miss R. (briskly). Here, here, this will never do. 
We can't have any water works here. Stop all that 



FOREST ACRES 6l 

nonsense right away. Do you know I've got to go to 
that Garden Party, or I know I shall just burst out of 
sheer curiosity. Not for the world would I miss seeing 
the natives stare at the whole pack of you. Now {Look- 
ing round. ) who's going to take me ? 

Con. Well, I have decided to go with Auntie, and 
Andy has offered to be our escort. 

Miss R. Well, then, Hiram, I guess you'll have to 
take me. As long as Evelina's not here I'm sure it won't 
matter, and I know Evelina wouldn't mind anyway. 
{Aside.) I'm not inclined to rob the cradle anyway. 

Hepsy. Well, I'm going to that party too, and I'm 
going to take some o' my own money along and spend it, 
and celebrate, and have a high old time. Say, Mr. Ar- 
thur, I'd never dare ter go down ter the berry patch in 
these duds, would I? {Laughs.) 

Mrs. C. Land o' Goshen, child, I should hope not. 

Mr. a. Well, your mother has answered for me, 
Hepsy, but you folks have been giving me so many sur- 
prises and shocks since I came in — one after the other — 
that the news that I had to tell you went completely out 
of my head. Hepsy, where's that box you found last 
spring ? 

Hepsy. Oh, I got it in the cupboard. Want ter see it ? 

Mr. a. Yes, let me have a look at it again. (Hep- 
siBAH goes to closet, brings box to Mr. Arthur, who 
opens it and looks at contents.) Well, I guess you have 
won the prize, little girl. These certainly must be the 
plans they are looking for. 

Mrs. B. {excited), Plans^found around here — in a 
tin box — why, Mr. Brixley is offering a reward of a 
thousand dollars for the return of those papers. 

Mrs. C. Good Land o' Goshen, don't tell me that ! 

Mr. a. Well, it looks as though Hepsy gets the 
money. She found the box, and from what I heard 
down in the village to-day, these certainly are the miss- 
ing plans. This is going to mean considerably more 
than a thousand dollars to you. Farmer Crockett. It 
will mean that the railroad is going to need a strip of 



62 FOREST ACRES 

your land to put their line through. They'll pay you 
well for it, I haven't a doubt. 

Con. Well, well, and so Hepsy found the box. Good 
for you, child. I'm glad you are going to get the thou- 
sand dollars. 

Hepsy. Oh me! I don't want the money. I don't 
need it. I make all I want off o' the summer boarders. 
(IVinks at Mr. Arthur.) Let Liz have it. I found the 
box on her land anyway; so she'd be entitled to a half 
at that. She kin hev it all, and then she kin open her 
tea-room that she's set her heart on so. I don't want it. 

Eliz. Hepsy! (Hugs her.) You're a dear generous 
child ! But, darling, I couldn't take the money from you, 
and besides — well, you see — I — well, I — don't 

Mr. a. (coming to c. and taking her hand). Well, 
you see, folks, Elizabeth's not quite so sure now about 
wanting to open a public tea-room, because she's prom- 
ised to share a private one with me very soon. 

(Elizabeth, blushing, goes to her mother and father 
and kisses them. All others crowd around, laugh- 
ing, congratulating her. Babel of voices. Auto 
horn sounds outside. Man's voice heard calling. 
Andy runs to rear door and assists Jeffrey Brix- 
LEY to hobble in on crutches.) 

Mrs. B. Jeffrey Brixley ! Whatever made you do 
this? 

Con. (going to him). Nunkie darling, you're a brick ! 

Mr. B. I just couldn't resist the temptation. I had 
to come down and see the fun. (They put him in a 
chair. Nora brings pillows, footstool. Miss Ruggles 
puts nezv record on graphophone and winds it up.) By 
the way, Constance, I came down over the road in the 
machine. Thomas drove, but he has a new assistant who 
came down with us. He's a very nice chap, and he's 
waiting outside all alone! His name is Joe McDermott. 

(Nora drops crutches which she is carrying, gives a 
loud shriek, runs to Constance and seises her 
hands. ) 



FOItEST ACRES 



63 



Nora. Oh, Miss Constance, you darling, you darling. 
You did it, you did it, just as you said you would. Oh, 
how can I ever thank you, how can I ? 
(Hugs Constance.) 

Con. There, there, Nora, that's all right. Don't 
waste them on me ! Save them for Joe. 

(Nora rushes out, rear. Auto horn gives one long 
wail, then is silent.) 

Lem. (comes to c). Say, Miss Loring, I've jest 
about got " hep " to all this here business now. 1 am t 
no dunce, yer know, and I kin see that it wuz all meant 
fer me. Wall, ye've learned me a lesson, and I amt 
likely ter fergit it. I ain't a man ter do things by halves, 
neiiher, so I don't guess there'll be any cause fer com- 
plaint round here after this. I've got my eyes opened 
now So let's shake hands, young lady, jest ter show 
there ain't no hard feelin's. (They shake hands.) 

Con. Mr. Crockett, you're a trump. I knew you 
could be depended on every time. (All laugh.) 

(Miss Ruggles starts music, playing ''What's the 
Matter With Father— He's All Right." Hepsibah 
begins to dance. Constance seises Andy and starts 
a jig. Mr. Arthur takes Elizabeth and joins m. 
Miss Ruggles, with an air of desperation, takes 
Mrs Brixley and they dance. Finally, with a loud 
" Whoop," Lemuel Crockett takes his wife and 
they all do an old-fashioned Virginia Reel, Mr. 
Brixley thumping the floor with one crutch and 
slapping his knee with his free hand, keeping time 
to the music.) 

SLOW CURTAIN 

[Note.—// Hiram is doubling for Jeffrey Brixley 
he may exit at any convenient time to make the neces- 
sary change of costume.] 



•a 



for Junior High Schools 



illy Luna 
r. Bob 

^e Man from BraMoa 
Box of Monkeys 
Rice Pudding 
lass Day 
hums 

k Easy Mark 
a's New Housekeeper 
k>t On the Program 
he Cool Collegians 
le Elopement of Ellen 
immy's Wife 
.hnny's New Suit 
lirty Minutes for RefreshflieBW 
A^est of Omaha 
jhe Flying Wedge 
'My Brother's Keeper 
The Private Tutor 
Me an' Otis 
Up to Freddie 
My Cousin Timmy 
Aunt Abigail and the Boyr 
I Caught Out 

Constantine Pueblo Jotiw 
The Cricket On the Hearth 
The Deacon's Second Wife 
Five Fe-t of Love 
The Hurdy Gurdy Girl 
Camp Fidelity Girls 
Carroty Nell 

A Case for Sherlock Holmci 
The Clancey Kids 
The Happy Day 
I Grant You Three Wlshe* 
Just a Little Mistake 
The Land of Night 
Local and Long Distance 
The Original Two Bits 
An Outsider 

i Fudge 
of Trouble 
ious Pickle 
,,ut irst National Boot 
/His Father's Son 
i The Turn In the Road 
J A HaH Back's Interference 
The Revolving Wedge 
Mose 



|#«/«i F*maln Tims 

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BAKER, Hamilton 



14 

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I 


Place, Boston, 


Mass. 



Pric0 I 

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35c 
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2''JC 



Jl 






LIBRARY 



Plays and Novelties 

Camp Fidelity Qirl8 

Anita's Trial 

The Farmerette 

Behind the Scenes 

The Camp Fire Girls 

A Case for Sherlocic aolmes 

The House in Laurel Lane 

Her First Assignment 

1 Grant You Three Wishes 

Joint Owners in Spain 

Marrying Money 

The Original Two Bits 

The Over-Alls Club 

Leave it to Polly 

The Rev. Peter Brice, Bachelor 

Mf ss Fearless & Co. 

A Alodern Cinderella 

Theodore, Jr. 

Rebecca's Triumph 

Aboard a Slow Train ioMlzzonry 

Twelve Old Maids 

An Awkward Squad 

The Dlow-Up of Algernon Blow 

The Doy Scouts 

A Close Shave 

Tbe First National Boot 

A Half- Back's Inteifcrence 

His Father's Son 

The Man With the Nose 

On the Quiet 

The People's Money 

A Regular Rah I Rah I Boy 

A Regular Scream 

Schmerccase in School 

The Scoutmaster 

The Tramps' Convention 

The Turn in the Road 

Wanted— a Pitcher 

What They Did for Jenkins 

Aunt Jerusha's Quilting Party 

The District School at Blueberry 

Corners 
The Emigrants* Party 
Miss Prim's Kindergarten 
A Pageant of History 
The Revel of the Year 
Scenes in the Union Depot 
Taking the Census in Bingville 
The Village Post-Office 
O'Keefe's Circuit 




BAKER, Hamilton Place. Boston, Mass. 



fir^v 



181778 



